Oh, to be as smart as one's house

If I could pick a time in history to live, I would plant myself somewhere after the invention of matches but before the remote control. The arrival of the remote marks the point where houses got so smart they started to make me look bad.

A recent neighborhood incident reminded me of how humbling my smart house is. A woman's new car was stolen out of her driveway. I'm not a detective, but I suspect the fact that she left the keys in the unlocked car, which did not yet have license plates, might have tempted this fate.

The brazen act sparked widespread hysteria. You would have thought Jack the Ripper was in town. Neighbors sent frantic e-mails: Close your garage! Don't leave keys in your car! Set your alarms!

Set the alarm? I stopped setting the alarm long ago because I kept setting it off. Ever since, I've suffered acute code freeze. I remember all my PIN and password codes at all times except when I have to punch them in correctly.

On the house alarm, a little green light blinks for 30 seconds to let me punch in my code. Pressure mounts: Is it star plus my anniversary? My anniversary plus star? Or is it pound first? Or my birthday plus enter? The last four numbers of my social?

Aach! the light's red. WAH! WAH! WAH! The alarm sounds. The dogs bolt. Next thing, two handsome officers are at my front door, which is as good as my fantasy life gets.

Of course, not everyone's technically challenged. My husband, Dan, and our two kids share techie genes I don't. Dan recently brought me a new cell phone, though I had been getting along fine with my old one, which my family called "the brick."

"This one's much cooler," he said, handing me something as substantial as a graham cracker. "It takes pictures and has GPS."

"You can take pictures when you get lost," one kid chirps.

"Just show me how to place a call."

Now every time it rings, Dan and the kids watch as I frisk myself then empty my purse. By then the caller is into voicemail.

"I live to watch you do this," Dan says.

This is just one more matter I will need to bring up with the therapist I'm surely headed for.

If you, too, are a low-tech person in a high-tech world, here's good news: The trend in home technology is toward being more user friendly, says Mike Holmes, chairman of Home Technology Alliance for the National Association of Home Builders, and a custom builder in Reno, Nev. I'll click to that.

The bad news? Houses will keep getting smarter. Here's a sampling of the smart home technology he says is here or coming:

• Start dinner from your office. You will be able to control anything that has an on/off switch from your computer or i-Phone. From your office or on your way home, you will someday turn on lights, heat the Jacuzzi and start the oven.
• Get greener. You'll see more high efficiency furnaces and air conditioners, tankless water heaters, multiroom programmable thermostats, water-saving devices and energy efficient windows.
• Tomorrow's house. By 2015, according to the NAHB, many if not most homes will have these smart technologies: Monitored burglar/fire/toxic gas alarm systems, fiber-optic networks, multiroom video and audio, and sensor-operated faucets.
• The power of light control. Many homes already have remote control window treatments, which raise and lower motorized shades or open blinds to save on heating and cooling bills. Remotes also turn lights on and off, and dim them. Eventually, computers will let you program your lights and window treatments to operate at certain times.
• More candid camera. As closed-circuit televisions enter more homes, you will be able to see who is at your door or by the pool from the television in your bedroom, or from your office.
• So long, remotes. Touch-screen menus will replace keypads. Remotes will go away. (Hurray!) Wires will disappear as more home gadgets go wireless. You will no longer need to remember your alarm code or your door key. Entry systems will read your fingerprint, retina, facial features or voice. In other words, soon houses will be so smart they will make people like me look brilliant.