Gifts that say 'Please change'

Certificates for services can be too personal

As the holiday shopping season and mad scramble to find the perfect present begins, Neil Romain already knows what he is buying for his wife of 15 years: a gift certificate.

Lest you peg his selection as unimaginative, this particular gift certificate is for a $300 appointment with a cosmetic surgeon to blast away her varicose veins.

How thoughtful! Or is it thoughtless?

With gift cards and certificates booming for all manner of retailers -- experts say they top most holiday wish lists -- perhaps it was inevitable that they would eventually venture into treacherous territory. These days, you can get gift certificates for such delicate areas of personal development as plastic surgery, marriage counseling and anger management classes.

But etiquette experts and even purveyors of these new better-yourself certificates warn that such gifts could be interpreted by the beneficiary as less giving and more intervention.

"Before you buy, I say use your best judgment," says Peggy Post, an etiquette expert and great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post. "Stop and think first. Could this backfire?" Search and you will find a gift certificate for almost anything, ranging from liposuction and hair loss treatments to online dating services and sex therapy workshops.

"We live in a country where many people have pretty much everything they want," says etiquette expert Jacqueline Whitmore. "It's getting harder and harder to find gifts that they don't already have, so people put a lot of energy into finding that one-of-a-kind, personal and creative gift. I think we'll be seeing a lot more personalized gifts like these in the future.

"The giver has to be really careful about giving a gift that might imply something or offend somebody," says Whitmore, who founded the Protocol School of Palm Beach in Florida.

Take for example, a new mom opening a card to find a certificate for an hour's worth of Mommy-Muse, a service for women who might be overwhelmed with the "profound transition to motherhood."

Or picture a married couple's reaction when they discover a $50 gift certificate for relationship enhancement with Coreen Plewa, a Santa Fe psychotherapist who offers an hour of deep listening.

Just imagine the boss's face when he or she receives a Coaching Circles certificate from employees for an executive stress package, which comes with aromatherapy, calming oils, candles and, yes, a life coach who will teach managerial wisdom.

Just a little intrusive

And what about that unattached person on your list?

Companies like eHarmony and Yahoo! are encouraging matchmakers to rescue their friends and family from the affliction of singlehood. Yahoo! Personals is launching its new gift program next month ($19.95 per month-long subscription, $44.95 for three months or a generous $99.95 per year for those slower at coupling), and eHarmony's has been going strong for more than a year now.

For Post, the etiquette expert, these gifts fall into the increasingly intrusive realm, along with everything else that is "TMI" and "OTL" -- too much information and over-the-line.

"No one should be surprised that such gifts are given," says Post. "We've gotten so informal as a society that people don't think twice about asking questions that are too nosy or baring things that are too personal. These gift certificates are an outgrowth of that."

Personalizing a gift is safe, Post says, but giving a gift that's far too personal is not.

Gregory Fernandopulle, an Ellicott City, Md., psychiatrist, suggested that surprising someone with such a gift would be ill-advised.