Don't put an 800 number on it unless you want me to call

WASHINGTON -- Ever since I learned that most commercial products put a small 800-number on their packages for consumer questions, I've felt compelled to call the customer service reps to harass them. Each time I do this, readers write in, contending I am one sick guy.

In search of a cure, I recently stopped by my local pharmacy. Unfortunately, there were all these products with 800-numbers on the packages.

EMETROL FOR NAUSEA

Me: I feel as though the world is an implacable, oppressive universe, indifferent to me as a human being. Can your product help?

Bridget: What sort of symptoms have you been having?

Me: Nausea, which Jean-Paul Sartre defined as the sickening awareness that we live only with an illusion of free will in an existence that is utterly pointless. Will Emetrol work for me?

Bridget: Let me pull the product information up.

Me: OK.

Bridget: It only relieves nausea due to upset stomachs.

Me: Well, I do feel it in my gut. It's a revulsion caused by the conflict between spiritually destructive conformity and the human need to be authentic. Do you recommend the 4-ounce size, or bigger?

Bridget: Well, the dosage is one to two tablespoons every 15 minutes until the distress subsides.

Me: Whoa, I might need gallons!

Bridget: It says do not exceed five doses.

DURACELL

Me: Hi, I bought some of your hearing aid batteries, and they don't work.

Amanda: I do apologize. What size batteries are they?

Me: What?

Amanda: WHAT SIZE BATTERIES ARE THEY?

Me: What?

Amanda: WHAT SIZE BATTERIES ARE THEY?

Me: WHAT?

Amanda: WHAT SIZE BATTERIES ARE THEY?

Me: Wh -- Oh, wait a second, here. Oh, I just forgot to turn the durned thing on! Everything's fine.

PEANUT M&M'S

Me: I'm concerned. Your product lists its ingredients on the package here, and at the end it says, and I quote: "corn syrup, gum acacia, coloring including yellow 6 lake, dextrin, and may contain almonds."

Lissa: OK.

Me: You are saying that Peanut M&M's may contain almonds? That's a pretty big mistake! Isn't that like warning that chicken eggs might contain cat embryos?

Lissa: It's because of the possibility of cross-contamination. Almond and peanut products are made in the same facility.

Me: Well, you know what I think? I don't think the almond thing is even true. I think that it's just there on the package to distract attention, so no one will ask what "yellow 6 lake" is.

FIRST RESPONSE EARLY RESULT PREGNANCY TEST

Me: I have a complaint. I used your product, and the test came back negative, but now my wife is pregnant.

Rose: OK. How long did she urinate on it?

Me: Excuse me?

Rose: How long did your wife urinate on it?

Me: She didn't. I did.

Rose: You're a male?

Me: Yes, ma'am.

Rose: And you're using the pregnancy test?

Me: Yes. My equipment was involved, you know.

Rose: Your wife needs to use it. It's her hormones.

Me: But it's my baby, too.

Rose: It doesn't matter.

Me: Are you saying it's not my baby? Have you heard something?