Pair use their divorce-riddled history to help others

MODESTO, Calif. -- Several years ago, Joe and Michelle Williams were asked to present information about their organization, Reconciling God's Way, at a national event called the Smart Marriage Conference. They were paired with a couple who taught at Pepperdine University and who sent the Williamses a resume that showed they had three Ph.D.s between them.

Joe looked at Michelle and said, "E-mail them back that we each have three P.H.D.s -- Previous History of Divorce."

Michelle sent the message, the other couple was delighted, and together they had a terrific program on marriage.

Joe and Michelle began their Reconciling ministry in 1990, incorporating in 1999, to help couples in marital crisis. Churches often offer divorce care programs but rarely have a program to help couples who might be able to reconcile.

The ministry, they say, was the result of resolving their own marital difficulties.

They self-published a workbook and videos of their course, which has been used by churches and individuals across the United States and beyond, including in Africa. In September, Focus on the Family released the Williamses' first book, "Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Restoring Your Relationship."

Joe and Michelle have sent off 20,000 units of their material since 1997. They say part of the popularity of their work comes from the fact that they are lay people. Most marriage books, they say, are by pastors and counselors. Joe and Michelle are ordinary people who understand the problems that lead to conflict and separation in marriage.

"Michelle was my fourth wife," Joe said. "None of the other marriages made it, and ours was in trouble because of the baggage we brought in.

"I was going through the finalization of a divorce. I made up my mind that I wouldn't get married again, especially to someone with kids."

Michelle had a different agenda.

"Joe was my fourth husband, too," she said. "I had three daughters -- each had different dads -- and I had just moved back to Modesto from Alaska from another failed marriage. I was 34. Basically, I was in the frame of mind that I got my significance from a relationship, so I was looking for another man."

A rocky beginning

The two weren't Christians at the time. They married in 1982. The relationship was rocky almost from the outset and included a months-long separation. By 1987, shortly after their son was born, they separated again. Michelle's rages and Joe's angry outbursts, fueled by alcohol, made each of them feel unsafe. The split lasted two years.

"We were told that as long as we were both going to church and both praying and both Christians, that our marriage would be saved," Michelle said. "But that's not true. It takes much more to save a marriage."

The problem, Joe said, was that "our focus was on each other instead of God. Michelle was my little god. But you have to get focused on the God who can really handle things. I wear two wedding rings on my finger to remind me that I'm married to God first, and then to my wife. You seek first his kingdom. Michelle likes it that way."

For Michelle, "I would say the major issue was that I didn't know how to communicate my frustrations to Joe. I would tend to stuff things, and Joe did, too.

"We recommend in our classes that each person deal with their own issues first. One of the first things we have them do is make a list of things they like to do alone that are not immoral, illegal or expensive.

"We find that a lot of people in a crisis marriage are worn out, either trying to keep their spouses happy or stuffing things down. Someone who feels good with who they are and has a good relationship with God becomes very attractive to a spouse."