Holidays tug at seams

For blended families a season focused on togetherness can cause extra stress

When Jeff and Rebekah Tozer celebrated their first holiday season as a blended family with four children between them, their biggest challenge was logistical: how to include all four parents and six sets of grandparents spread across four states.

"Everyone wants a piece of the kids and the holidays, and the biggest struggle for us was how to make everybody happy," said Rebekah Tozer, who moved from Michigan to Apex two years ago with her husband, her three sons and his daughter.

That first year together, the family traveled more than 1,500 miles and crammed three Christmas celebrations into one day. The result was more tears than cheer for the children, who range in age from 6 to 12.

"Everyone wanted to be fair and have their time, but the kids had to be uprooted in the middle of Christmas Day and go somewhere else. It was no fun for them," she said. "You can only be stretched between so many people."

The holiday season from Thanksgiving week through New Year's Day brings more than enough stress for everyone. But for blended families, mixing his, hers and ours during the season of peace and joy can be a recipe for craziness.

At least 15 percent of American children live in a blended family, according to a 2001 report by the U.S. Census Bureau.

The first few holiday seasons as a newly blended family can be the toughest -- especially because the season raises unrealistic expectations and stirs feelings of guilt and loss, said Diane Ranes, a clinical social worker in Carrboro who specializes in counseling stepfamilies.

"Lots of parents make the mistake of getting into more intense negotiations and conflicts rather than focusing on what the experience is like for the children and what they're teaching their children," Ranes said.

Strict custody arrangements that dictate splitting holidays down the middle can make it harder for children, who may struggle more with transitions during the holidays.

In addition, because parents can spend so much time negotiating with extended family and former spouses, a new blended family can miss out on the opportunity to do its own holiday bonding -- a key type of ritual-building that helps families create a sense of togetherness.

"Holidays can be a time when you reflect on the people you miss. That may never completely go away, but having a tradition that bonds you with the people you celebrate with is an important way of finding comfort," said Jennifer Coleman, a life-transition counselor at Rosen Law Firm in Raleigh.

Things get easier once a family becomes truly blended, but that can take anywhere from three to five years, research shows.

Gifts escalate

Gifts can be another point of contention -- especially if newly divorced parents try to overcompensate and compete by overspending. While children sometimes see money spent on them and their siblings as a scorecard showing who is more loved, blended families need to concentrate on what's really important about the holidays, experts say.

Crystal Lepine and her fiance, Marlon Arrington of Raleigh, learned that the first Christmas they celebrated together with his three sons -- ages 12, 10 and 6 -- and her two sons and daughter -- ages 9, 7 and 3. His ex-wife insisted on giving the boys video game systems, while Lepine and Arrington gave the children chemistry sets and books.

Instead of focusing on who gets what from whom, Lepine emphasizes the experience: making cookies and fixing the big Christmas dinner together and taking family pictures under the tree.

"Being part of a family - that's our main focus for them," she said. "We just wanted them to have a tradition, something that was consistent: 'This is what we did at Christmastime.' "