She had written the definitive article on potty training for Parenting magazine, pigeonholing such child care luminaries as Dr. Benjamin Spock and T. Berry Brazelton. She even tracked down Penelope Leach in England.

The article won a national magazine award and before long Spencer was a contributing editor to both Parenting and Parent magazines, as well as writing a column for Woman's Day.

But you want to know her dirty little secret? Her son, 18 months old while she was doing the research, wasn't toilet trained until he was almost 4.

And guess what? He's just fine.

Spencer, a 40-something Chapel Hill mother of four, has learned through all her years tapping the experts that the expert is within. Being willing to listen to all the best practices prescribed by pediatricians and parenting mags -- but then following your own gut when it comes to your own children -- is what Momfidence is all about.

It became the title of Spencer's Woman's Day column nearly two years ago. And now it is the subject of her new book "Momfidence! An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting."

With wise observations and hilarious tales, Spencer turns on end the conventional wisdom about all sorts of parenting taboos.

From spanking to toy guns and Barbies (See Chapter 11: Happiness is a Gun and a Naked Bimbo) to letting kids eat cookies -- and yes, a little raw cookie dough too.

One of Spencer's most controversial articles over the years was called "Why I love TV."

Sitting in her home office, decorated with her kids' artwork, she shrugs.

She's no slacker mom, as the book makes clear. She enforces strict bedtimes and family meals (at the table, not in front of the tube) are de rigueur. But in general, she believes in what she calls the "grandma, Ben Franklin, everything in moderation approach."

She is frustrated by this era's extreme portrayals of mothers: On the one end, the derelicts who apparently buy their kids fast food three meals a day. On the other, the nutritional nazis who buy organic only and never, ever purchase Cheetos.

Most of us fall somewhere in between.

"I got sick of all the paranoia and guilt," Spencer said. "I decided I wanted to write my own un-advice book. I really want parents to take a deep breath -- and relax."