The birth of rumor ill-sired

Tell the truth: Didn't you think Rice-A-Roni was the San Francisco treat?

So did I. Turns out the real San Francisco treat, honey, is U.S. Rep. Brad Miller -- according to his opponent, Vernon Robinson.

By invoking the name of the West Coast city famous in the '60s for its countercultural lifestyle but now synonymous with astronomical real-estate prices, Robinson hopes to unseat Miller in the 13th Congressional District by implying -- with a wink to his fellow mouth-breathers -- that Miller is out of touch with North Carolinians.

"Out of touch" my eye: He's telling his true believers that Miller is gay.

What, was he caught text-messaging a teenage page? Frolicking nekkid in a D.C. public bathhouse?

Nope. The most compelling evidence Robinson offers is that Miller and his wife are childless.

Never mind, as Miller is wont to point out, that two stalwart North Carolina Republicans, Howard Coble and Liddy Dole, are also without crumbsnatchers.

When I talked to Miller in June, which was about the time Robinson first started his insinuations, he said that not having children "is the most personal aspect of my life ... and it's not a question my wife nor I should have to answer.

"It's none of his damned business," he said.

Nor ours.

I called Dan Goldens, executive vice president of the San Francisco Convention & Visitors Bureau, to find out what people there considered to be "San Francisco values" and whether they were a bad thing.

Absolutely not, he said. "From our perspective, it means we appreciate the value of diversity."

That's definitely not what Vernon "Say, you got your green card, amigo?" Robinson means.

It should be easy to dismiss any candidate who calls himself "the black Jesse Helms" as a cynical clown. If the amount of money he has raised -- he expects to pull in $2 million by Election Day -- and the responses I got when I last wrote about him are any indication, though, the dude has his supporters.

Despite what was, at best, an unflatteringly truthful portrayal of him by me, numerous readers wrote or called to unfacetiously thank me for informing them that such a true American was running for Congress. Honest.

Oy.

When Republicans aim their sex cannon, Democrats cower. It was just six years ago -- when I was covering the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles -- that Republicans attacked Democrats for hosting a fundraising dinner at the Playboy Mansion, which is perhaps the most heterosexual place on Earth.

The wimpish Democrats, succumbing to political correctness and pressure, canceled the party. I've never forgiven them or the Republicans because that was probably the only chance I would ever get to set foot inside Hugh Hefner's crib of bacchanalian excess.

If male Democrats are attacked for being gay -- and then for attending a party at the mansion that is the mecca of manhood -- who, then, are they supposed to be attracted to?

Teenage pages?