News & Observer | newsobserver.com | G.D. Gearino: Life observations

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Published: Feb 23, 2006 09:31 AM
Modified: Mar 28, 2006 09:05 AM

G.D. Gearino: Life observations

 

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Columnist G.D. Gearino took your questions about life, culture and other random observations.

This discussion took place at 11 a.m. Thursday, Feb. 23, 2006, and is now closed.

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Moderator: MWH writes: "Do you find that working in such close proximity to Peder Zane drains your intellectual powers? If not, how do you explain your diminished capacity? On another subject, have you considered changing your name to Geronimo and concocting a memoir? It would probably get past Zane and Oprah, too. if it became be a hit, it would get you out of features and our hair -- just a suggestion."

Gearino: I'll skip the question about my pal Peder and go straight to the memoir query: No, I haven't considered a name change, but I am toying with the idea of re-issuing my first novel, "What the Deaf-Mute Heard," as a memoir. As James Frey recently demonstrated, you can turn any pack of fabrications into a bestseller. Hey, I was deaf! Really! Has Oprah called yet?

Moderator: Not all of your columns focus on the off-beat. Last month, you wrote a poignant column about your son joining the Marines. How's he doing?

Gearino: He's doing well, as far as I can tell. I've gotten a couple of letters from him. He seems to understand not to take anything personally. The drill sergeant (or "killhead," as the recruits call him) may be yelling in your face, but he's not yelling at you ... at least not in the strict sense.

Moderator: Mehdi asks: "What is your favorite Girl Scout cookie?"

Gearino: Hmmm. This could be treacherous. Is there some science of psychological profiling at work here? What do I reveal if I confess that I prefer the shortbread cookies (whatever they're called)? That I'm a libertine? Anal-compulsive? Mommy issues? Maybe it's best that I not know.

Moderator: What's the most unusual feedback you've ever received?

Gearino: Once, after writing about the competitive grilled-cheese sandwich eating contest at the State Fair, somebody sent me an email containing a photo showing my face in one such sandwich. It was very well done ... there was my face, carefully shaded into the toasted bread. It had a Shroud of Turin effect, in that you had to look for a moment before you saw it. I wish that sandwich was actually real. I'd sell it on eBay.

Moderator: So, did you ever get to see the golf ball in the egg?

Gearino: Yes, I did. I even got a short lesson on how a golf ball comes to be inside a goose egg. Boy, the things that clutter my brain. I can barely recal my children's birthdays, but I can give you a concise explanation in how something like this happens. Further proof of the fact that I have no useful skills, at least as the normal working world defines them.

Moderator: What do you consider to be the most unusual column you've ever written?

Gearino: Unusual? Almost all of them meet this description. Just one example: Last year, I found myself talking to the mayor of Cary, who told me about participating in a charity golf tournament that also included legendary porn star Ron Jeremy. As the mayor told me about his hilarious (and ultimately unsuccessful) effort to hide the fact that he recognized ol' Ron, I found myself thinking: "Boy, do I have a great job, or what?"

Indeed I do. Keep in touch, folks. Unlike James Frey, I can't make this stuff up. I need you to tell me things.

Moderator: That is all the time we have for now. We would like to thank G.D. Gearino for his time.

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