If I ever make a movie, it'll be called "Why Did I Bother Going to English Class?"

These are dark days for teachers and anyone who just likes to speak well or, heck, who even picked up an English book once.

No, not because we have a president who persists in saying "nucular." We've already accepted the hopelessness of that situation and can only pray that George W.'s successor has a better grasp on the language -- such as knowing there's no such word as "misunderestimated."

The "word" that has English teachers and me ready to spit is "conversate." That verbal monument to intellectual sloth has been assaulting people's ears for decades, but this year it was added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Peter Sokolowski, editor at large, told me Wednesday.

With the economy in the toilet, Bush and Condoleezza making war noises at Iran and the prospect looming of the World Series being played in Chicago in November (brrr) -- there are more important things to worry about than the destruction of the English language.

But not many.

Sokolowski said there has been resistance to "conversate," as there often is to new words. "It's a long way from being universally accepted, but with pop culture being covered by the media more than ever, there's been a relaxation" of usage.

For instance, when Biggie Smalls, in his hip-hop classic "Big Poppa," asks, "Can we conversate for a few?" some dudes are going to think he's being eloquent.

He's not. So stop it, brothers, or you will see your chance in that job interview disintegrate as soon as you say "conversate."

(Yeah, I said "brothers" -- that word is exclusively ours so far.)

We aren't the only ones digging a hole for the English language to crawl in and die, though. When TV commercials for cell phones feature nothing but people unashamedly asking, "Where you at?" and Apple touts its latest product as "the funnest iPod ever," it's obvious that the destruction of English is a cooperative effort.

Besides, the beauty of the English language is that it evolves, and we've been responsible for adding color to it over the years.

Words like "hip," "player," "dis," "cool"and "bad" have all been introduced or redefined by jazz or hip-hop musicians, and some etymologists attribute "copacetic" -- meaning "everything is cool" -- to either Bojangles Robinson or the boxer Archie Moore.

As Sokolowski stated, "Evidence shows 'conversate' is more frequently spoken than written." Not surprising, because it's hard to imagine anyone who knows the business end of a pen actually writing the word "conversate."

The point is, dudes, you can have a conversation, you can converse, you can even be conversant on a particular subject, but -- despite what Biggie Smalls said -- you can't conversate for a few.

The Bible admonishes us to "judge not lest ye be judged," and I'll swear on my stack of Z.Z. Hill albums that I try not to. It's hard, though, not to draw unflattering conclusions when you hear someone say "conversate." You can presume with a degree of certainty that the speaker has spent more time on his rap, his jumpshot or his car than he has paying attention in English class.

If I were a woman, there'd be three minimal requirements I'd demand from a male suitor: that he have a library card, a voter registration card and that he vow to never say "conversate."

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