The first thing you're going to do after reading this is grab a calendar and make sure this isn't April Fool's Day. That's what I did after hearing about the National Park Service's plan to start "recognizing" individual and corporate donors to the national parks.

Plastering corporate logos all over previously sacrosanct parks would be somebody's idea of a sick joke, right?

If only it were. What it is is part of the Bush administration's seemingly benign plan to help the Park Service eliminate its budget shortfall by recognizing prominent contributors. Officials insist that corporate logos would be forbidden in most cases, but...

Seeking corporate backing, broken down to its elemental basics, is about what those women you see strolling the bad parts of town in hot pants and 6-inch heels are doing when they approach conventioneers on the street.

Only difference is, Park Service employees are not allowed to go "Psst, say big boy. Wanna date?" In a hypocritical effort to feign integrity, guidelines declare that "neither the NPS nor its employees has authority to solicit donations."

Of course, the guidelines further state that "this does not prevent an NPS employee from responding to a question on how to donate, (but) it does prevent that employee from distributing unsolicited donor envelopes to visitors."

In other words, employees can do anything but stroll up to corporations and go "How'd ya' like to slap your logo on a big fat mountain where it'll be seen by 10 million visitors a year?"

Does this mean we will soon be seeing ads on park rangers' uniforms, making them look like NASCAR drivers? Al Nash, a Parks Service spokesman, was aghast at the suggestion. He assured me that the advertisements -- make that the "recognition of philanthropy" -- would be "appropriate and understated. Ads on park rangers' uniforms would not be appropriate and understated."

Whew. Still, one writer has already lamented that once corporate sponsorship catches on, don't be surprised to see Old Faithful "brought to you by Viagra."

Can't happen, you say? That's what people said before someone proposed placing advertisements on bases during major league baseball games. That obscene proposal, thank goodness, has whiffed, so far. Still, we should be terrified that it was even broached in polite society. Same with the plan for corporate recognition at our parks.

When money was needed to build a pedestal for the Statue of Liberty in the 19th century, a newspaper -- Joseph Pulitzer's New York World -- started a penny fund-raising drive that eventually raised the money. I fear that in this current "get-the-government-out-of-everything-but-your-bed" climate, we'd be stuck with a Lady Liberty "proudly brought to you by Massengill Feminine Hygiene Spray" or Alberto V-O5 Hair Spray, "because even symbols of freedom have 'bad-hair' days."

And how about, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free -- with Flonase Nasal Spray?"

Don't look at me like that. It could happen. Our -- again, that's your and my -- national parks are too important to be turned over to the highest bidder. If corporations are contributing big bucks, unsolicited or solicited, you know they're going to want something in return.

National parks should be sanctuaries from the assaults on our sensibilities we face all day long. Our park system is underfunded, but prostituting it to the highest bidder isn't the right answer.

I don't know about you, but I'd be willing to donate my spare change -- or even pay an increased access fee -- to maintain the relative chastity of our parks. Especially if it spared me from seeing "Eat at Joe's Crab Shack" signs on Mount Rushmore.

The Park Service's Al Nash says the public comment period on the proposal to allow corporate sponsorship ends Monday, which means that if you haven't already, you don't have long to tell corporations to keep their names out of our parks.