The Hallmark version of Valentine's Day is that happy lovers pass it in a blissful haze of kisses, chocolate and good vibes. But the reality can be that it's just another opportunity for partners in a relationship to disappoint one another.
Jaundiced? You bet. Thus we have "The Love Hangover," one of the best recurrent music events in this town. The 10th edition happens Monday at The Pour House, with male-female duet partners trading songs of shattered romance and love past its expiration date. Think of the closing stretch of "(500) Days of Summer" and you're in the ballpark.
This year's model features a fine cast of performers, including Regina Hexaphone's Sara Bell and Megafaun's Phil Cook, and the Small Ponds pairing of Caitlin Cary and Matt Douglas. There's also a note of intrigue with Rachel Hirsh and John Booker - a real-life couple who broke up last year and chronicled the dissolution of their relationship on "Horror Vacui" (Greyday Records), an album by the group I Was Totally Destroying It.
As to what this year's unhappy couples should be singing, we have suggestions:
J. Geils Band, "Love Stinks" (1980) - This would be the perfect song to kick off the evening, a stomp-along chant about the hopelessness of interpersonal relationships.
Dire Straits, "So Far Away" (1985) - Or perhaps a more wistful note is desired, with romantic problems induced more by logistical circumstances than personality differences.
Lyle Lovett, "God Will" (1986) - A classic poison-pen curveball from someone who has written a ton of 'em. "God Will" starts out as a devotional song, but then the punch line takes a sharp turn into acrimony - and the second-person subject sounds as if she had it coming.
R.E.M., "The One I Love" (1987) - Continuing in an acidic vein is this brutal kiss-off that brushes off the subject as "a simple prop to occupy my time." If an ex's hatred is bad, an ex's indifference is worse.
Kelly Clarkson, "Since U Been Gone" (2004) - There comes a moment, post-breakup, when you realize you're better off. Here's the song for that moment: "But since you been gone/I can breathe for the first time."
Big Star, "Thirteen" (1972) - There is not a better expression of teenage heartbreak than this beautiful ballad, sung in the voice of a kid who wants someone with all his heart - even if he doesn't even understand what "want" even means. But he still does.
Bonnie Raitt, "I Can't Make You Love Me" (1991) - Sometimes you just have to accept that it's not possible to force someone else to love you. This song is the sad moment of realization.
Madonna, "Take a Bow" (1994) - This song, meanwhile, is the moment when that sadness turns to irritation ...
Alanis Morissette, "You Oughtta Know" (1995) - ... before it curdles into full-on rage.
Lucinda Williams, "Changed the Locks" (1988) - And this is what the recipient of "You Oughtta Know" might respond with. For those breakups where a restraining order just isn't enough.
Magnetic Fields, "Yeah! Oh Yeah!" (1999) - Breakups often involve moments of impassioned madness. Here is one on the verge of going horribly, murderously awry: "Are you reaching for a knife? Could you really kill your wife? Yeah! Oh yeah!"
Beyonce, "Irreplaceable" (2006) - A song for anyone who feels less an object of affection than a meal ticket.
Ray Charles, "Hit the Road, Jack" (1961) - Still one of the great kiss-off numbers of the past 50 years.
John Lennon, "How Do You Sleep?" (1971) - Written about Paul McCartney, but it's useful for lashing out in a variety of contexts: "A pretty face may last a year or two/But pretty soon they'll see what you can do."
Justin Timberlake, "Cry Me a River" (2002) - Written about none other than Britney Spears. I wonder whether she'd be less of a mess if she had stuck with Justin?
Loudon Wainwright III, "I'm Alright" (1985) - The two words following the title in the chorus say everything you need to know: "without you."
Lily Allen, "Smile" (2007) - And when your ex tries to come crawling back, here's your reply: "You tell me you want me back/And I tell you it don't mean jack."
Meatloaf, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (1977) - The protagonist makes an ill-advised declaration at the moment of truth, only to find himself "praying for the end of time/So I can end my time with you."
Jimmy Wayne, "Stay Gone" (2003) - This is actually pretty conciliatory, asking an ex to have the decency to just keep away. A classy concluding note.
