I don't have a college degree. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's not something I'm ashamed of either. Over the years, though, I've asked myself more than once: "Would life be better if I had a college degree?" and "Would I find myself upgraded on flights if I had a college degree?"
The answer is, apparently, "yes" and "yes!" Lately, I have been inundated with online offers to get my college degree (even a doctorate!) based on my Real Life Experience. The ads from Real Life University Degrees promise that airline upgrades are often given to someone with an advanced degree, as in:
Ticket counter rep: "You may board first, Dr. and Mr. McSnootypants." Can't hardly wait.
According to the ads, "Others have frittered away years in classrooms absorbing information removed from real life."
Yeah! Frittered! While y'all were in your "classrooms" doing things like "studying" and "learning" I was knocking off work in time for Drink Free Till You Pee night. Who's sorry now?
You are probably asking yourself: "But, Celia, how can you possibly get a doctorate in five days without ever entering a classroom or cracking a book?"
Easy. In partnership with a bunch of "accredited (but strangely nameless) colleges and universities" the degrees are handed out for cold cash usually in just three to five business days. I'll pay $180, which is the cost of a doctorate or, if I'm feeling like that's too showy, $155 for a master's degree. I'm not going to bother with the bachelor's for $130 because they're too trifling for someone with all my Life Experience.
The way I figure it, this is way cheaper than signing up for Trump University, which costs $1,500 for three days or $35,000 for special Trump Gold students.
I imagine graduates get a sweatshirt at the end that says simply "college."
I heart those.
Can you imagine the prestige that goes along with a degree from Trump University? Yeah, me neither. Which is why I'm all in with a Life Experience Degree.
Here's how it works!
Three years' life experience (which must mean a 3-year-old is eligible) earns the right to have a bachelor's degree; four years, a master's; six years, a doctorate and, hold on to your mortarboard, Buford, 10 years life experience entitles you to a full professorship. Well, that and $210.
I know what you're thinking (because with my advanced degree, I know every dang thing now) and it's prolly something like: "Does this mean you can now get a job teaching college?"
Well, the answer is: "I have no flippin' idea, but I think it would be fun to try."
I've got all this Accredited Life Experience just swimming around in my noggin like canned peaches in PJ. (Hey, I may not have gone to real college, but I understood the concept of grain alcohol in a trash can with fruit mixed in.)
It's time to start using it to help others. Oh, and board early.