Jenkins

Prof. Palin's revised history

Staff WriterJune 9, 2011 

Fellow Republican tea partyers, we all remember when our great Sarah Palin, formerly Alaska's governor-in-brief and running mate to closet liberal John McCain, was raked over the coals by the leftist news media for asserting that she could see Russia from Alaska, thus qualifying her for president based on foreign policy experience. (She was technically right, there being a couple of islands, the Diomedes, one Russian and one American, within sight of each other. But we don't want to linger on this to throw around our education or experience with Wikipedia.)

Anyway, our Sarah is now going to show them all. In a preview of what's yet to come as she makes a decision on whether to declare her candidacy for president, Palin took on the role of professor recently in asserting that Paul Revere's famous midnight ride was intended to warn not just Americans that it was "go-time," but also to alert the British. This caused a little hub-bub, because according to allegedly esteemed historians, that was not exactly the case, but here again, leave it to the media to blow things out of proportion.

Chris Wallace of Fox News even went so far as to tell Palin that she "messed up" on Paul Revere, and she took it right back at him, standing by her earlier claims. Good for you, Briefly Gov. Palin! It must have been a shocker, because Chris Wallace, you know, is supposed to be one of ours! Hey Chris, you gone Katie Couric on us or something?

In any case, those of us who are among Briefly Gov. Palin's most ardent admirers have caught wind of a most exciting prospect set to debut soon on Fox News, a series based on Briefly Gov. Palin's expertise on American history, which will set the record straight once and for all, taking back our country's history from generations of ultra-liberal historians who have long skewed our textbooks.

We understand the title of the new program is going to be "Paul Revere, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Other Myths," and will star the briefly governor sharing her own interpretations of significant events and people in American history. In fact, we have received from fellow tea-partyers some previews of upcoming episodes. The briefly governor is quoted here based on our own educated speculation:

1. The American Revolution: This opening episode reportedly will take an entirely new view of what transpired back in 17 and 76. "The problem here," Palin theorizes, "is that we had a few troublemakers who didn't respect established authority - sound familiar, Democrats? - and they turned things upside down and the next thing you know, they've really gotten King George mad, and this kind of thing with Democrats is still going on, so that President Obama didn't even get invited to the royal wedding! The Democrats are still not recognizing the monarchy!"

2. The writing of the U.S. Constitution: Contrary to interpretations of historians of the last 20 generations, including some who were eyewitnesses to the events of the late 1770s through the 1780s, there was no intention of the Founding Fathers to establish freedom of the press.

"What happened," Palin says, "is that George Washington and Thomas Monroe ... I mean, Thomas Jefferson, were a couple of mavericks, really, and they just put that in there as a kind of joke, but then the other fellas forgot to take it out. Also, you know there was bound to be some kiddin' around because the Constitution isn't even signed by anybody from Alaska!"

3. The Great Depression: It turns out the hero of the Great Depression was not Franklin D. Roosevelt but Herbert Hoover. "They're giving credit to the wrong fella," Palin said. "Like Obama, Roosevelt was doin' all sorts of bailouts and steering us toward socialism, whereas President Hoover understood we needed to work our way out of our problems, and he didn't blame the banks for all our troubles, because the trouble was poor people and the middle-class, and the Republicans, see, knew that a little downturn was really encouraging the development of a thrifty working class."

4. George Bush and the prolonged recession: The much-criticized, loosey-goosey lack of regulation of the financial industry has been a myth, Palin says, stating, "Most unfair treatment of a president, a great president, in American history, next to Hoover.

"If the Democrats had just left him alone, and allowed his policies to continue, we would have had another Great Depression, which would have been self-correcting for the economy, see, and the banks would have taken care of everybody, just like they always do, for goodness sakes. He should have gotten the Nobel Prize for Economics."

Deputy editorial page editor Jim Jenkins can be reached at 919-829-4513 or at jjenkins@newsobserver.com

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