Rivenbark

Pageant babies need to hit the books before the big league contests

June 16, 2012 

Those nutty pageant moms on “Toddlers & Tiaras” might want to pay serious attention to the result of the recent Miss USA Pageant.

Clearly, things are changing in the pageant world, and I can only assume this will trickle down to the wee contestants that are at this very moment competing in the sparsely furnished conference rooms of America’s finer Comfort Inn & Suites.

Yeah, they’re “brangin’ it” for the judges with big fake hair and teeth and plenty of sparkly eyelash glue.

Here’s what pageant moms need to know: You can’t assume that being Southern is going to help anymore.

Not only is the newly crowned Miss USA from Rhode Island (which could basically fit inside Miss Texas’ walk-in shoe closet) but also Miss Congeniality was from Iowa.

But that’s not all. Miss USA 2012, Olivia Culpo, is a 20-year-old cellist who describes herself as a bit of a nerd.

This is terrible news indeed for the “T&T” set whose parents don’t stress classical music training nearly so much as the repeated coaching of talents like “pretending to lasso a chair while winking at the judges and blowing kisses.”

That just never gets old. Oh, wait. Yes it does.

This business of Miss USA being a nerd implies that she has made her studies a priority over the years. Freak.

It also didn’t go unnoticed that Miss Culpo’s gown was far less revealing than many of the other contestants’ gowns.

Yes, there is definitely something going on in the big-girl pageant world when modest clothing, nerdery, the playing of classical music and intelligent interview answers wins the title.

(It should be noted that the winner named tireless UNICEF ambassador, the late Audrey Hepburn, as a positive role model, while Miss Ohio selected Julia Roberts’ character from “Pretty Woman.” One can only hope that the über-congenial Miss Iowa placed a friendly arm around Ohio afterward and said something like: “Honey, you do know she was a whore, right?”)

Pay attention, all you toddler divas and moms.

This is a problem that all the Pixie Stix and Red Bull chasers can’t fix. You are going to have to go and get your baby girl some book learnin’ if you really want to win in the big leagues.

While the Miss USA pageant will always have a sort of skanky second cousin vibe when compared with the Miss America Scholarship and True Holiness Pageant, change is definitely in the works for both.

There’s still much work to be done.

Although the eventual winner nailed the correct answer, five out of 11 contestants could not name the vice president. Not of Zambia or China, mind you, the vice president of the United States.

Had. No. Clue.

So, pageant moms, if you’re really serious about your stated goals of seeing your tot become Miss America or Miss USA like you always say, let’s see less chair-lassoing and more Suzuki violin.

You’re welcome.

www.celiarivenbark.com

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