It’s easy to “imagineer” the table read for Disney Pixar’s brand new animated girl-power movie, “Brave.”
Disney suit: “OK, what’ve we got here? Hmmm. Movie about a headstrong teenage girl of royal upbringing who fights the forces of evil. Why does this sound familiar? Why? Hmmm. Anybody?”
Mulan: “Uh, well, I was a headstrong teenager who, like, saved freakin’ CHINA. But I guess everybody’s forgotten how I stole my famous warrior daddy’s sword, fought off the Huns, disguised myself a as a dude and yada yada yada …”
Ariel: “Yeah, right. I did all that brave stuff and I did it UNDER WATER. My dad was King Triton, capice? I was totes headstrong and disappeared to chase Handsome McHotness from land. Oh, yeah, and fight the forces of evil in the form of Ursula the Sea Witch.”
Jasmine: “Y’all are wack. It was I who was the rebellious daughter of royalty who managed to find romance with Aladdin and, uh, fight the forces of evil … Obvi, we don’t need another movie about the same old thing.”
Disney: “I hear you, ladies, and yes, you were all undeniably headstrong teenage girls born of royalty with a penchant for world-saving, but this new movie has something you didn’t have.”
Mulan, Ariel, Jasmine (together): “An R rating?”
Ariel: “Cause, you know, I could slutty it up if I have to …”
Jasmine: “I know that’s right …”
Mulan: “My lover was voiced by DONNY OSMOND. Please don’t make me go there.”
Disney: “No! Not an R rating! I’m talking about archery! This movie has archery!”
Mulan: “Do what?”
Disney: “Archery is the new way to show that young women are strong and smart. Didn’t any of you read “The Hunger Games?”
Ariel: “I’m really more of a Nicholas Sparks kinda girl …”
Jasmine: “Me, too.”
Mulan: “Me, three!”
Disney: “The new heroine has to be able to shoot a bow and arrow, just like Katniss Everdeen.”
Jasmine: “What kind of princess name is that?”
Disney: “She’s the powerful archer in “The Hunger Games” who risks everything to save her little sister and her community. While all of you were very brave, your narratives followed a romantic arc which the modern teenage heroine has no need for.”
Ariel: “Two-part question. Is her boyfriend really cute and, second, does he like redheads?”
Disney: “No! That’s not the point. We’re trying to use this new movie to show that headstrong princesses don’t have to be all about getting married and living happily ever after. Merida is a new kind of rebellious princess who saves the world.”
Mulan: “Isn’t this movie set in 11th-century Scotland?“
Disney: “Yes, that’s right, Mulan. Why do you ask?”
Mulan: “Well, she better be saving the world from haggis cuz that stuff is nasty!”
Disney: “Don’t you get it? She’s independent and doesn’t need a man to validate her!”
Jasmine: “Oh, I get it! She’s ugly!”
Disney: “I give up.”
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