Its easy to imagineer the table read for Disney Pixars brand new animated girl-power movie, Brave.
Disney suit: OK, whatve we got here? Hmmm. Movie about a headstrong teenage girl of royal upbringing who fights the forces of evil. Why does this sound familiar? Why? Hmmm. Anybody?
Mulan: Uh, well, I was a headstrong teenager who, like, saved freakin CHINA. But I guess everybodys forgotten how I stole my famous warrior daddys sword, fought off the Huns, disguised myself a as a dude and yada yada yada
Ariel: Yeah, right. I did all that brave stuff and I did it UNDER WATER. My dad was King Triton, capice? I was totes headstrong and disappeared to chase Handsome McHotness from land. Oh, yeah, and fight the forces of evil in the form of Ursula the Sea Witch.
Jasmine: Yall are wack. It was I who was the rebellious daughter of royalty who managed to find romance with Aladdin and, uh, fight the forces of evil Obvi, we dont need another movie about the same old thing.
Disney: I hear you, ladies, and yes, you were all undeniably headstrong teenage girls born of royalty with a penchant for world-saving, but this new movie has something you didnt have.
Mulan, Ariel, Jasmine (together): An R rating?
Ariel: Cause, you know, I could slutty it up if I have to
Jasmine: I know thats right
Mulan: My lover was voiced by DONNY OSMOND. Please dont make me go there.
Disney: No! Not an R rating! Im talking about archery! This movie has archery!
Mulan: Do what?
Disney: Archery is the new way to show that young women are strong and smart. Didnt any of you read The Hunger Games?
Ariel: Im really more of a Nicholas Sparks kinda girl
Jasmine: Me, too.
Mulan: Me, three!
Disney: The new heroine has to be able to shoot a bow and arrow, just like Katniss Everdeen.
Jasmine: What kind of princess name is that?
Disney: Shes the powerful archer in The Hunger Games who risks everything to save her little sister and her community. While all of you were very brave, your narratives followed a romantic arc which the modern teenage heroine has no need for.
Ariel: Two-part question. Is her boyfriend really cute and, second, does he like redheads?
Disney: No! Thats not the point. Were trying to use this new movie to show that headstrong princesses dont have to be all about getting married and living happily ever after. Merida is a new kind of rebellious princess who saves the world.
Mulan: Isnt this movie set in 11th-century Scotland?
Disney: Yes, thats right, Mulan. Why do you ask?
Mulan: Well, she better be saving the world from haggis cuz that stuff is nasty!
Disney: Dont you get it? Shes independent and doesnt need a man to validate her!
Jasmine: Oh, I get it! Shes ugly!
Disney: I give up.