Things have been tense around the house ever since Duh Hubby and I realized that we have a mixed marriage.

You see, I was born in 1956, which is the cut-off year for those who will receive Medicare benefits under the current system that has been in place for decades. Duh, however, was born in 1961 and he will have a completely different health care plan if Mitt Romney is elected president.

Yes, while I will enjoy the full range of Medicare benefits accorded millions of Americans today, poor Duh will be allowed to watch a small cut on his arm turn gangrenous and eventually cause the entire limb to fall off while he waits with ever-spiking fevers for vouchers or perhaps a poultice made from the dust of a unicorn horn.

Because I fall just inside the magic number, I could one day literally roll over the increasingly put-upon Duh with one of those cool motorized chairs used in equal parts by the genuinely infirm and the just plain fat. My Medicare will pay for that. I think Duh, with the Romney/Ryan plan, will be given a skateboard and an autographed picture of Karl Rove.

Ditto hearing aids. I totally think Duh will be able to make do by simply cupping his hand to his ear and screaming “WHAT????” a lot.

My coverage will be something I won’t have to worry my aging noggin about. I will cling to my Medicare card with its little red, white and blue at the top. I will, like many thousands of old people before me, go to Office Depot and have it laminated even though they tell you not to because I don’t want to take the chance that it could get damaged.

Duh, who had the great misfortune to be born after me, will have more lamentations than lamination as he wanders, pitifully, through a maze of options that purport to, if he picks the right one, provide him with coverage at least one-100th as good as mine.

Now that I think about it, Romney, 65, and Ryan, 42, will also have different health care plans. If Romney is like me (besides the part where we both have car elevators in our fourth homes), then he is probably feeling a little smug.

Because, even though Medicare is totally breaking the bank, it’s nice to know it’s there for us. I feel bad for Duh and the other whippersnappers. And why won’t they get off my half of the lawn?

Paul Ryan’s plan pays about $8,000 a year in medical costs for the average 65-year-old, so there really isn’t anything for Duh to worry about because I can’t imagine old people having expenses higher than that, can you?

If so, they should just do what Romney told college students who were worried about not being able to afford skyrocketing tuition costs and “Just ask your parents for the money.” Yeah. That should work.

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