October Surprises just aren’t what they used to be.

Carnival barker and Mitt Romney surrogate Donald Trump, R-Absurdity, set the gossip mill churning this week when he declared he would make a “major announcement” about President Obama. “It’s very big – bigger than anybody would know,” he told Fox News Channel.

Would it be a bombshell revelation that Obama sold cocaine in college? The discovery of divorce papers for the president and the first lady?

A betting house set 250/1 odds that Trump would prove that Obama is from another planet, and 500/1 odds that he would announce that he is Obama’s father. The disclosure that Obama is not American was a relatively safe bet, at 2/5 odds.

But Trump surprised them all by announcing ... absolutely nothing. Instead, he released at high noon on Wednesday what had the look of a ransom video, in which the Donald himself, appearing puffy and unwell, played a character that was part Dr. Evil, part Crazy Eddie.

“I have a deal for the president, a deal that I don’t believe he can refuse,” Trump announced, leaning forward and chopping the air with his hands. “If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and records, I will give to a charity of his choice ... a check, immediately, for $5 million! The check will be given within one hour after he releases all of the records so stated.”

And if you act now, Mr. President, Trump will include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you!

In a singsong voice, Trump teased the president with possible charities that might interest him – “inner-city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society” – and repeated his terms: “All he has to do to get five million dollars. ... “

This was trumped up even by the Donald’s self-aggrandizing standards. Denunciations and derision rang out from the political left, right and center. The bookmaker that took bets on Trump’s bombshell refunded the wagers.

The real estate mogul had managed to make his real announcement resemble the Onion’s spoof article: “Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself.”

Washington Post Writers Group

Dana Milbank is a columnist for The Washington Post.