Sometimes, when we’re talking about shared experience, it matters not whether you’re a mega-celebrity or just a normal person. There are some experiences that are part of the human condition. Things like birth, death, marriage, parenthood.
So it is that billionaire celebrity couple Beyonce and Jay-Z have to deal with all the normal ups and downs that face all new parents: The excitement of seeing baby’s first non-gas-induced smile, getting used to functioning on two hours’ sleep, the impossibly cute baby clothes, the endless fretting about even a tiny fever, the achingly tender time spent watching in wonder while baby sleeps, the failure to get a federal patent judge to grant you the right to trademark your baby’s name.
What? That didn’t happen to you?
Hey, the kid’s plenty cute, especially with those genes, but I wouldn’t expect a wave of Blue Ivys in preschool.
Celebrity babies often have odd names. Admittedly Blue Ivy isn’t as silly as “Moxie Crimefighter” Jillette or “Blanket” Jackson or as exhausting as the name of Uma Thurman’s newborn: Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Bosson. But they’re calling her “Britnee.” OK, actually “Luna,” but still.
You have to wonder what motivated “Bey and Jay” to take legal steps to trademark their precious baby’s name.
Their request was many pages long and included all possible uses for the trademark Blue Ivy including but not limited to baby carriages, diaper bags and – wait for it – baby cosmetics. (Well. A little contour blush would work wonders in eliminating unsightly “baby face.”)
The couple’s attempt to trademark their baby’s name, reserving it for possible branding, was rejected by a judge this week after learning that the owner of a wedding-planning firm in Boston named Blue Ivy wasn’t keen on losing the name she had used successfully since 2009.
“Can’t you name your little store something else?” pouted Beyonce. “Something like Pink Ferns? We’re not planning to name any babies Pink Ferns so you could use that. Then again, we might. So you might want to check with us before you change just to be sure.”
“Yeah,” added Jay-Z. “I’m sure when you decided to open your business you couldn’t have imagined that someday me and Beyonce would have a baby named Blue Ivy and that you’d have to give your name to us. I mean, damn.”
To be fair, which I just hate, it’s certainly possible that Jay-Z and Beyonce may have just done all this to keep unethical businesses from exploiting their child’s name for personal profit.
People are always trying to capitalize on someone else’s fame, but courts take a dim view of exploiting celebrity kids. It’s why my idea for Suri Cruise Ballet Flats could never really take off.
Some legal types claim Blue Ivy could still be a brand, just not a wedding-planning business. A better name might be “Put A Ring On It.” I heard that somewhere.