Shoulda thought of makin’ that video

December 1, 2012 

If you ever wondered what brand of mayonnaise Southern women swear by (Duke’s) or how a Southern man is often injured (fallin’ out of a deer stand) or how to tick off a Southern woman big-time (“That fool stole my buggy at the Piggly Wiggly”), there’s a video on YouTube that will help you out.

“S--- That Southern Women Say” was shot in California by a Gaffney, S.C., woman who left the South 20 years ago and has lived in Los Angeles for the past 12 years, bless her heart.

Julia Fowler rounded up three Southern actress-friends (apparently you can’t throw a rock without hittin’ a transplanted Southerner out there) and the result is three minutes of solid edu-ma-ca-shun on how we talk.

Stuff like: “He’s a goober.” “You need me to make a cheese ball?” “You couldn’t pay me to live in New York” “How’s your Mama and dem?“ “Propane’s on sale at the Walmart.” “Can you believe that (rhymes with witch) didn’t write me a thank-you note?”

I watched the video after email/text/tweet No. 347 from friends who knew I’d just LOVE it.

So why don’t I?

C’mon. Have we met? You know why I don’t love it: Because I didn’t think of it.

I’ve spent the past 12 years writing that stuff in books but it never occurred to me to round up some gal-pals and make a video that would get 2 million views and countin’.

In the words of Ms. Fowler and every Southern woman who has experienced self-inflicted failure: “Dayum.”

I want to wish Ms. Fowler continued success but, honestly, I wouldn’t pee on her if she was on fire. I wouldn’t give her air if she was trapped in a jug. Thinking about her makes me taaaard.

Because the video has up and gone viral, there are sequels planned with sponsors and updated tweets and a movie deal and Lord only knows what all. Julia Fowler’s gonna be the most famous Southerner since Forrest Gump. Roll me up and call me curly.

But, seriously, it’s funny stuff and y’all should take a gander. My very favorite was when one of the actresses holds up chopsticks in a restaurant and says, “I ain’t Japanese. I’m usin’ a fork!”

I have said that in Asian restaurants ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Southern women are defiantly un-PC at times. If you tsk-tsk us, we’ll just look at you blankly and say, “It don’t matter.”

Although she definitely covers that unique Southernism: “fixin’ to” as in “I’m fixin’ to go to work” there is still a ton of material left to lampoon. She should start with our use of “right” as in “That pie’s right good, MeeMaw.”

And she didn’t mention “carrying” anyone to the doctor or “cuttin’ off” the lights or “mashing” the elevator button.

Yes, there is a gracious plenty of material to be exploited for years of fame and fortune.


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