Bangs, Bucklebury and baby

December 22, 2012 

I don’t know why anyone would be surprised at the news that Princess Kate is pregnant. According to royal watchers, (which is actually a paying job in some quarters), suspicion was raised when she got herself some feathery bangs just after Thanksgiving. If that doesn’t tell you she’s royally knocked up, what does? I know; I don’t get the connection either, but the watchers apparently think getting your bangs cut in a wispy manner signals a bun in the oven. Hope it’s not a hot cross one.

As everyone now knows, the bangs were right! The pregnancy was confirmed after Kate grew ill during a visit to her parent’s home in Bucklebury. I had no idea her parents lived in a yogurt shop, but you learn something every day. She and Prince William went to the hospital straight-away and she was treated for an unpronounceable form of morning sickness, bless her heart.

And now the People Who Know This Crap say that, shockingly, it was more than just the new feathery bangs that tipped them off. She drank water! She was seen playing with a random small child! She placed her hand on her stomach “in a protective manner“! Yes, even the court jester with his bells for brains would recognize these unmistakable signs of pregnancy.

There is speculation that the Princess is a couple of months along, which means that we could be in for at least seven more months of piffle such as the commissioning of forensic artists to draw photos of what the child might look like at age 6. The sketches, presented in dead seriousness, depicted lovely children.

I think it would’ve been funny to have one with a baby arm coming out of the top of the head, but The Palace famously has no sense of humor on these matters. None.

Fortunately, all of England is apparently bum-over-teakettle excited about this news. A resident of (snicker) Bucklebury said that “There will be a huge number of glasses raised to the good health of their future son or daughter.”

This is Brit-speak for the Southern expression: “We gone have a large time.”

Everyone, it seems, is going a little nuts over the pregnancy. Fashion watchers, who are like Royal watchers, only with half the calories, noted: “Whatever she wears, the world will be watching and no doubt pregnant women will be inspired everywhere.”

I hope so. This could be the beginning of the end of that horrible trend of wearing maternity clothes that cling like Saran wrap. While some think this just celebrates a beautiful human form, I just always think about that movie “The Human Centipede” when I see somebody dressed like that. (I’m talking to you, Heidi Klum.)

At the end of the day, I wish that I could be more excited about the baby news, but the Royal Family has always seemed so, well, foreign to me. Wonder how come that is?

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