Rivenbark: Resolving to break the following resolutions

January 5, 2013 

New Year’s resolutions are just so last year, aren’t they? I mean, why do we even bother? We make ’em and break ’em, usually along about the second week of January when our holiday ham glow has worn off and we realize it will be at least 11 more months before we can justify consuming bourbon balls.

Fully recognizing that these resolutions will be broken like Taylor Swift’s heart is every other month, I offer them anyway because I think it’s important to have goals, both lofty and loony.

2013 will be the year that I resolve to:

• Stop caring so much about reality TV stars, including ones with the unlikely last name of “Boo Boo.”

• Read a book every week. But because I haven’t got all day, it will have to be a really, really short book. More of a pamphlet, really. Something on the order of “I am Joe’s Colon” or “a menu.”

• Learn how to speak a foreign language. I am already semi-fluent in Italian thanks to the way they pipe in basic Italian phrases while you’re in the restroom at Macaroni Grill. Now I can speak Italian but must pause to add a flushing sound after every phrase, which makes conversation super awkward. There must be a better way.

• Be a better listener. Too many of us talk all the time and never really listen to what the other person’s saying. Sure, this is usually because the other person is as interesting as paste, but we should all make an effort. Wait. Where are you going?

• Take a brisk walk for at least 20 minutes every day. Exercise is so important for promoting the wellbeing of both body and mind. Is it really that hard to commit to 10 lousy minutes a day? I mean, 5 minutes a week might sound like a lot, but it’s not. Seriously, walking briskly for one minute every three months isn’t asking too much, is it? Unless, of course, you’d rather not.

• Stay loyal to my beloved UNC Tar Heels basketball team despite a season that, so far, can best be described as “meh.” Practice saying, “It’s all good; this is a rebuilding year” without retching.

• Watch more TV. Yes, you read that one right. I believe we have established that I will be learning a foreign language, walking briskly and, most likely, not eating bourbon balls in July, so I have to have something to keep me from spiraling into complete depression. I choose “American Horror Story: Asylum” and “Homeland.”

• Make a serious effort to become more tech-savvy. This will include avoiding saying old-fashioned 2012 things like, “I finally got used to Facebook and now everybody is on the Instagram.” Which, from what I can tell, is some sort of instant telegram that makes pretty sepia-toned pictures of casseroles.

Wish me luck, y’all. And “Ciao!” (flush).


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