Last year it was a dozen Secret Service agents caught partying with prostitutes in Colombia when they shouldve been doing the advance work for a presidential visit.
This month, it was the revelation that members of the security detail charged with protecting all State Department officials on overseas trips hired prostitutes to pass the time.
Clearly there is only one solution to this foolishness: From now on, by executive order, only women will be hired in these security jobs.
Thats right. Only Ovarian Americans need apply. No exceptions.
Because, at the end of the day, women understand that when it comes to hiring hookers on the taxpayer dime, aint nobody got time for that.
Whats that you say? Men shouldnt be discriminated against in any job?
Waaaaaaaah. I cant hear you.
Turns out that a report looking into the dalliances by the Diplomatic Security Service declares the problem of security staffers hiring hookers is endemic, which is Latin for lots and lots of penicillin.
Look. I get that after a tough day of poring over maps of limo routes and wearing really high-dollar sunglasses, you need to unwind. But isnt there an NBA playoff game playing in a bar somewhere? Do these cities not have cable? Go to a museum, for crying out loud. Improve your mind. Go buy a nice souvenir for your wife, preferably something that doesnt require prescription medication down the line.
As if consorting with prostitutes isnt bad enough, consider that the Secret Service agents in Colombia even tried to cheat them out of their legally earned wages.
Since prostitution is legal in Colombia, this was, to the Secret Service agents, apparently no more unseemly than trying to get the Dominos guy to give you a dollar off because you ordered hand-tossed, not thin and crispy.
While were at it, lets get rid of all the male ambassadors, too. In the same DSS investigation, one unnamed ambassador was known to routinely ditch his security detail to pick up prostitutes in the city parks.
Where do we get these ambassadors? The International House of Pervs?
OK, OK. To be fair, Im sure the vast majority of diplomats are hardworking and dedicated public servants who dont pencil in play dates with prostitutes between state dinners, but why take chances? Be gone. Send in the womenfolk.
Now I know what a lot of you are saying: How do you know women wouldnt do the same thing? And I would say: Have you ever met a woman? I mean a real one, not an inflatable one.
I realize that this suggestion to hire only women is probably not entirely legal, but its worth a try. Oh, and while were at it, lets make sure that we find jobs for all those displaced male security workers. I know! Let em be Boy Scout leaders, since being heterosexual is apparently the only important requirement for that job. Two birds, one stone, yall.