Commentary

Saunders: Why wasn’t I invited to the North Raleigh party house?

bsaunders@newsobserver.comJune 23, 2013 

Egads! How dare they?

Not only should the neighbors be outraged in the North Raleigh neighborhood where the owner of a mansion is accused of hosting booze-, bong- and bikini-enhanced bacchanalias.

We all should be incensed.

Sleepless neighbors are accusing Pamela Verbal of throwing and charging admission to wild parties replete with a swim-up bar, a hookah room – not what you think – and extremely friendly women sashaying around the premises of her nearly $3 million crib.

How friendly, you ask? So friendly that, if you believe one neighbor’s testimony in an affidavit, when they come up and ask “coffee, tea or me?” they mean it? His implication, my words.

My word, indeed!

Gatsby-style soirees

I’d never even been to that neighborhood before I drove over recently to get a gander at the Gatsby-style mansion where Gatsby-style soirees were allegedly occurring regularly.

Because the alleged loud music wasn’t keeping us awake nights, why should the rest of us be outraged, enraged and unassuaged?

Because we weren’t invited, that’s why.

Don’t look at me like that, as though I’m the only one who felt a twinge of regret upon reading the story that a judge had put the kibosh on the good times at the Verbal manse without me having had the chance to boogie oogie oogie around the cement pond out back. A court order forbids Verbal to have more than five people in her 16,000-square foot home without clearing it with the court.

Not even for bid whist? Pinochle?

The middle of a party

Tell the truth. Wouldn’t you have liked a chance to be insulted the way that neighbor was who said he innocently wandered over to the house while his wife and kids were out of town and somehow found himself in the middle of a wild party? He’s the same one who said “a beautiful young lady” approached him and made an offer that was too friendly.

“Being a married man of 23 years, I was not amused,” he said in an affidavit.

Say, homes. Didn’t you know you were a married man of 23 years before you went tiptoeing through the tulips over there while your wife was out of town?

Bless his heart. Do you reckon he thought it was a housewarming party and he wanted to welcome the new neighbors?

At least he didn’t claim he thought they were holding prayer meeting and he’d baked some fluffernutters.

Whether Verbal was violating the Radcliffe Homeowners Association ordinances by pitching a daily or weekly wang dang doodle and charging admission – or whether she is being unfairly maligned by members of the neighborhood’s upright citizens brigade – is something the court will have to decide. If she truly is the noisy and nuisance-y neighbor they claim – if she is disturbing the domestic tranquility – they have a right to want her gone. I probably would, too.

Society, however, has more to fear from a neighbor who admitted he’s begun stockpiling weapons because of the parties than from a woman who may throw loud parties featuring what one neighbor befuddlingly complained was “overt sexuality from roaming model females.”

Don’t know what that means, but again, did our invitation get lost in the mail?

The neighbors have expressed fear – of sleeping or of going on vacation lest the hordes descend upon their homes like locusts and clean them out. A call to Raleigh police to find out whether crime reports have increased in that neighborhood since Verbal began hosting parties was unreturned.

That armed response to revelry is enough to make you want to sell your home if you’re anywhere in the same state. Verbal, not surprisingly, has put hers up for sale. If I were the other neighbors, I’d be thinking of relocating, too.

For the record, two of the now-aghast neighbors can be seen in a picture posted on a TV station’s website, posing with Verbal, having jolly good fun with drink in hand.

Speaking of the other neighbors, this is for the dude who said his weeping wife demanded that he do something about the din emanating from that supposedly despicable den of iniquity or she was going to leave.

Psst: Bro, she’s trying to get you killed!

The proper response to such a declaration from your wife would be “I’m gon’ miss you, Sweet Thang.”

What do they think is going to happen if he now marches over there after drinking that woman’s liquor and announces, “For goodness’ sake, can you people turn that music – that hip hop, hap hoop, hype hope or whatever you call it – down?

“Muffin and I just bought the entire boxed set of ‘Friends’ on DVD and we can hardly hear Ross’ and Rachel’s witty and innuendo-laden repartee. Now, don’t make me have to come back over here. And next time, I won’t be packing fluffernutters.”

bsaunders@newsobserver.com or 919-836-2811

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