In My Opinion

What’s so great about twerking?

September 28, 2013 

Everybody’s talking about twerking since Miley Cyrus drop-kicked poor sweet Hannah Montana for good at the Video Music Awards a couple of weeks ago.

I wasn’t exactly sure what twerking was because I am OLD and I was too embarrassed to ask the Princess so I looked it up.

In my “research,” I discovered that the Oxford dictionary had just added “twerk” to its listings, which somehow made the whole matter more dignified. If it’s good enough for the people at Oxford, how bad can it be?

Oxford’s online dictionary even managed to make it sound almost virtuous: “a low squat dance in which the hips are shaken in a manner that causes the buttocks to wobble and jiggle. Often followed by copious amounts of tea and crumpets.”

OK, I added that last. But I needed a visual and, what the heck, a tutorial.

So I went online. And now I must wash my eyes out with vodka.

Because of the aforementioned OLD issue, I didn’t stay up to watch the VMAs and so I’m a little late to the Miley H8ers party. I saw her “twerking” in a YouTube video and, well, my goodness.

To put it like her sweet alter ego from long ago might have said:

“Flesh-colored granny panty-wearing lil tramp did what?”

I hearted Hannah Montana. Even when Miley’s idiot real-life AND on-the-show Dad, Billy Ray, said Disney had destroyed his family. He often said that to reporters whilst he strolled to the ATM to withdraw a whirlwind of bills.

Anywho, Miley is of age and certainly can twerk her way to the nursing home as far as I care. It’s entirely her business.

Twerking, it turns out, has been around a long time but it took Miley to really make it famous enough for people like me to pay attention.

While those silly women strutted in Atlantic City last week in the Miss America pageant, they could’ve simply uploaded a video of them twerking because rapper “Juicy J” (probably not his real name) is offering, seriously, a $50,000 college scholarship to the “girl 18-24 who can twerk the best.” No swimsuit, no interview, no yammering about good deeds and platforms. No, just shake that thing. This would’ve saved so much last-minute cramming on Syrian warlords and the like.

Still, even after my research, I realized that I shouldn’t write about twerking until I actually tried it myself.

Turns out, there’s a nifty tutorial on YouTube that has more than 15 million views. The instructor, a lovely young woman in cheetah print leggings, was encouraging as she went, step by step: “hands on hips, bend knees, keep knees over toes, press thumbs on butt forward, press fingers on back backward. Lather, rinse, repeat.”

I did this, for quite a while, in the privacy of my little home office.

Since you ask, it was not pretty and my bad knee is still a little swollen. The great journalists often suffer for their craft.

rivenbark.com.

Celia is speaking Friday at the 16th annual Moms@Work networking breakfast event at the Charlotte Convention Center. Details at www.charlotteparent.com/momsatwork.

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