In My Opinion

Rivenbark: A nine-pack of revelations

CorrespondentDecember 14, 2013 

I don’t play any of those games on “The Facebook” as Aunt Verlie calls it, mostly because I’m way too busy doing important stuff like practicing saying “I need the room” like the President does in “Scandal.” I would love to walk into a room and just say that one time and have everybody scurry away, papers in hand, leaving me to just talk it out with the one person who can stay.

OK, so I’ve given that way more thought than I should. But back to Facebook games, there are loads of them and I honestly don’t have the time to crush candy or bejewel anything. That said, I DO have time for a little ditty that has been going around Facebook lately, a sort of “tag; you’re IT!” that gives you a number and asks that you share that number of “things no one knows about you.”

Oh, boy.

When you’ve written a newspaper column for 20-some years, it’s hard to imagine that I haven’t told y’all everything there is to tell. (A few of you have said as much, citing my confession of having accidentally passed gas in front of the guy remodeling my kitchen a few years ago.) Yes, once you’ve publicly shamed yourself like that, there can’t be anything left to confess.

Or so I thought. Truth is, when my friend gave me the number 9, I managed to come up with a few Never-Told-Before Tidbits and it wasn’t even all that hard to do.

1: I talk to my clothes when I buy them. Yeah, you read that right. When I am putting away new clothes, I always welcome them to my closet with a little speech out loud. I do not welcome shoes, belts or purses because, well, that would be crazy.

2: I had a cat that won a calendar contest and millions got to know “Carmine.”

3: When I was a teenager, I pushed a little kid out of the path of an oncoming car. Which is all well and good unless he grew up and became a serial killer, in which case I am totally responsible.

4: I once saw someone kill himself by jumping off a bridge in California. It was awful.

5: Let’s lighten up a bit, shall we? In my 20s, I won an essay contest sponsored by a TV network and the prize was a breakfast date with two of the stars from “Days of Our Lives.” And, yes, it was awesome.

6: I didn’t go to college.

7: I was baptized in the Atlantic Ocean on a freezing January day.

8: When I was a young thing, I wanted to be a deejay on the radio but I failed the physics test required to get a broadcasting license four times. See No. 6 above.

9: I was born in a doctor’s office.

That was fun, but I’m afraid I must go now. I’ve got some pants to talk to.

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