The Christmas presents under the tree took on an almost malevolent aura after I read that “wrap rage” sends thousands of people to emergency rooms and urgent care clinics.
“Wrap rage can lead to a cut finger, followed by a cut hand, sprained wrist, bruised hand and strained shoulder muscle,” said the survey.
Man, that is one angry present.
I don’t want to have to pepper-spray my presents before I open them.
But I will if I have to.
OK, on re-reading, I get it now. The most common injury is a cut, but there have been injuries as severe as strained shoulders once wrap rage kicks in. This is why professional ballplayers often hire someone to open their Christmas presents for them. It’s simply too great a risk.
What exactly is wrap rage? Well, it often happens during the holidays when the happy recipient discovers that it will take many years to actually be able to free the gift from its rigid plastic prison. We’ve all been there. You go a little crazy when you can’t tear the gift, even one you didn’t want, out of its clamshell container. You look as exasperated and tearful as that silly woman in the commercial for Potato Express. (Who honestly gets that emotional about the cook time for a baked potato? Somebody needs her potato with butter, sour cream and Abilify, if you ask me.) Wrap rage is a huge problem this time of year, according to the folks at AFC/Doctors Express, a chain of urgent care clinics that wrote me personally and even offered to be interviewed on the subject.
Yeah, well, that would take actual effort, so let’s just say I’ll get the word out sans all that “reporting” and “research,” which would take time I don’t have. I may not be as short on time as the Potato Express lady, who cries human tears if it takes more than four minutes to bake a “perfect, fluffy potato,” but I do have important stuff to do. OK, not really.
Wrap rage should make us all take a hard look at ourselves.
How is it possible to live in a nation that is so technologically advanced that Beyonce can drop an entire top-secret album overnight and yet nobody can figure out how to package things in a way that makes them easier to open but still theft-proof in the store?
Wrap rage happens everywhere. Last year in Great Britain, 60,000 people went to emergency rooms after being injured while opening food containers. I believe it. Recently I had an altercation in a Walgreen’s parking lot with a bag of Keebler Soft Batch cookies that would not open. Wrap-raged, I finally punched the bag open by stabbing it repeatedly with a pocketknife but sliced my thumb in the process.
Happily, I had to eat the whole bag in the parking lot because the cookies would get stale in that shark-attacked looking bag. There’s that.