Attention, people of the 7th Congressional District, all Americans, all creatures of the forests and the seas and humanity in general. David Rouzer, candidate for Congress in the 7th, has reported your country missing. Thats right. His theory, apparently, is that it was stolen around about 2008.
The suspect is tall, slender, Harvard-educated and the current president of the United States, name of Barack Obama.
In his 30-second campaign commercial, Republican Rouzer does not specify exactly how Obama made away with the country. We look forward to future commercials in which he presumably will explain. Because, lets face it, America is a little hard to hide.
There are 300 million-plus people in it. And lots of large buildings. Also, the country is between two oceans and bordered by other countries, presumably ones that have not been stolen, to the North and South. Those countries seem unlikely to be able to stash America anywhere that at least a few kids riding the roller-coasters at the State Fair wouldnt be heard.
Plus, Americans can be a little sloppy, so you gotta figure that if Obama had hidden the country in, say, Toronto, there would be some stray McDonalds wrappers blowing around after a week or so.
Anyway, here is what Rouzer says on his commercial: Barack Obamas put this country on a path to financial ruin, and Congress hasnt stopped him. Lets take our country back.
Rouzer says America has one more chance.
Mercy. One more chance? Is he running for Congress or trying to save sinners at a tent revival?
Tell, it, Brother Dave, tell it!
The big ol SUV Rouzer is driving, going around talking to the people who are worried about their missing America, has over 300,000 miles on it, he says. Thats either a testament to Rouzers devotion to car maintenance or evidence that a fellow can milk more miles out of a vehicle if he keeps it off the high road.
This is really something, right out of the box, even for us true conservatives. And the 7th District hasnt exactly been a shining star of liberalism. Retiring Democrat Mike McIntyre, who was first elected in 1996, has been criticized by some in his party for being about 80 percent Republican. But thats not good enough for some, including Rouzer.
He narrowly lost to McIntyre in 2012 and must figure it was because he wasnt conservative enough, so hes moving right even more. Lets hope he doesnt fall off this flat ol Earth of ours. We conservatives worry about that a lot.
Still, why does Rouzer feel the need to resort to the old tactics of making the election about a president who is already not popular in conservative districts of North Carolina? Trust us, Dave, youve already got their votes.
And, even as a conservative myself, I have to say that candidates who use these tactics do the voters in their districts no favor. This part of North Carolina needs jobs; it needs better school performance; it needs good environmental protection for coastal areas that include tourism spots such as Wilmington; it needs help for the poor and the underemployed.
Also, this whole financial ruin thing might not stand up. See, the nations financial crisis hit before Obama was sworn in as president.
It was Obama who pushed economic stimulus to get the country going, among other things saving the auto industry. For his efforts, he was skewered by we conservatives, who were willing to take our chances on a Depression. Under Obama, deficits have decreased. The stock market is booming. Jobs are being created. And 7 million Americans have gotten health care under the Affordable Care Act.
And, the liberals keep bringing up the annoying fact that Obama was twice elected president, that something called the Constitution provides for the rule of democracy, that free speech cant be tampered with, that citizens should have the right to vote. Now our clever conservatives in the General Assembly are trying to get around that as much as they can, with voter ID and curbs on early voting, but unfortunately there are gonna be some liberals making it to the booth next time out.
But I think I may have a blockbuster breakthrough in David Rouzers attempt to take our country back. I think Obama may have stuffed America in my hall closet. No kidding. I saw a McDonalds wrapper in there yesterday.
Deputy editorial page editor Jim Jenkins can be reached at 919-829-4513 or at firstname.lastname@example.org