Once again, the issue of sex education has ... whoa. I almost wrote "reared its ugly head," which would have been a red flag waved in front of both the cliche police and the double-entendre patrol. Good thing I caught myself in time. Let me try again:

Once again, sex education in the classroom has become a contentious issue in Wake County.

OK, that's better.

Unless you have the incredible discipline to ignore any headline containing the word "sex," you know there has been another huge debate over what, exactly, children should be taught in school about reproduction.

The people who support a wide-ranging program of sex education think it's foolish to pretend that young people can be persuaded to postpone sex until they're married, committed, seriously dating or at least on a first-name basis with their partner. They also tend to not make moral judgments between heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality or Santorumsexuality (defined as relations with any Pennsylvania senator who exhibits a bizarre obsession with men and their dogs).

On the other side of this issue are the people who believe sex should be taught as something you do only while married, only with persons of the opposite sex and only with the understanding that if you actually enjoy it you'll be struck dead immediately.

I say they're both wrong. I think sex education is best handled by the people most qualified to communicate with teenagers: other teenagers.

That's whom I learned about sex from. My pals had the gift of explaining things in natural, easy-to-understand terms. I was lucky to have friends like them, because by the time my reproductive urges became irresistible, I was already worldly and knowledgeable about sex. I knew everything worth knowing.

Here are just a few examples:

Teachers have orgies every day in the staff lounge. There is a secret room at the Smithsonian where John Dillinger's manly parts and Jayne Mansfield's bosom are on display. If you paint a small circle on the dashboard of your car, your date will eventually ask why it's there, which will be your opening to explain your philosophy about how everything in life is tied together, and you'll sound so sensitive that you'll probably get lucky. Anyone who attends a school where uniforms are required is, by definition, sexually experienced. There is a secret movie of the cast of "Gilligan's Island" having an orgy. First-date sex is virtually guaranteed if you have The Who's "See Me, Feel Me" playing on your car sound system. Not having sex can cause permanent damage to your reproductive organs, so doing it is actually really kind of important when you think about it. No, really, teachers are always having orgies. Everybody knows it. Even the principal. He's in there, too.

See what I mean? This information is much more useful than anything you get in one of those alleged "sex education" classes at school. Sure, some of this would have to be updated -- for instance, The Who may have been supplanted by the John Mayer song "Your Body Is a Wonderland" -- but otherwise, this curriculum is in good shape. Let's try it.

Weird thing, though: The Smithsonian keeps denying that it has anything belonging to John and Jayne. Also, the school district keeps rejecting my application for employment.

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