First, the setup: My cell phone contract will expire next month, so I decided to call the provider to talk about a new service agreement for my three-phone family. I dialed the company's toll-free number and had the following conversation (which has been recalled from memory and paraphrased by necessity, since I didn't expect it to be so weird and therefore didn't take notes).

Me: I'd like to talk to somebody about my service contract.

Sales rep: Certainly. Please give me your 10-digit cell phone number.

Me: (Recite number.)

Sales rep, with a mildly suspicious tone: Can you verify your address please?

Me: (Recite address.)

Sales rep: Could I have your name please?

Me: (Recite name.)

Sales rep: (Long silence laden with confusion and/or suspicion.)

Me (after guessing the problem): I think my wife's name is on the account.

Sales rep: OK, what can I help you with?

Me: Well, my contract's about to expire, so I wanted to talk about a new plan.

Sales rep: I'm afraid we can't make changes to the plan without your wife's approval.

Me: She can't give her approval. She died eight months ago.

Sales rep: We're not allowed to make changes except for the person holding the account.

Me: It's an account for the whole family. My wife just happened to be the person who actually called to set it up. Besides, I only want to extend my agreement. I just want to keep paying for the service.

Sales rep: I can't do that without her permission.

Me (getting impatient): Fine. Then let's just start a new account under my name. All I really want is to keep our existing phone numbers and get a new contract.

Sales rep: I can't do that. Those numbers belong to her.

Me: This is crazy. There are a lot of cell phone companies out there begging for business. Don't you want to keep me as a customer?

Sales rep: Certainly.

Me: OK, all I'm asking you to do is to keep sending me a bill. I'll keep paying it.

Sales rep: If you'll provide us with some proof of her death, we can switch the account to your name.

Me: Let me make sure I've got this straight. I have to prove to you that my wife is dead before I can continue being a customer? Doesn't that strike you as absurd? All you have to do is keep sending the bills to the same address you've been sending them to for years, and I'll keep paying them.

Sales rep: You need to work with us here.

Me: Do me a favor. Go tell your supervisor that you've got a guy on the line who wants to remain a customer and keep paying his bill, but you've told him that he can't do that because his wife has died. I'd like to know what your supervisor has to say about that.

Sales rep: I'm not going to do that, sir.

Me: I don't blame you. I'd hate to hear myself saying something that dopey.

The conversation ended at that point. I am now exploring other alternatives for cell phone service.

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