First, a confession. About three years ago, I was discussing with a friend of mine and her son the noise in an office we had visited. "It sounds," I said, "just like a teletype machine."

"Is that," the boy asked, "anything like a mimeograph machine?" They both collapsed in laughter, and hours of ridicule followed. For I had been known to use mimeograph as a noun and verb. It is a term that apparently is slightly younger than Jurassic Park and may have preceded Old Rome.

A teletype is another predecessor of a computer -- messages could be sent from place to place, from teletype to teletype that is, and would come out on a scroll of paper. You can approximate the sound of a teletype machine if you stand three feet from a railroad track as a freight car is rolling by.

And so, let's toss in on the subject of modern communication with one Sen. John McCain of Arizona, a Republican who would be president.

McCain was the subject of a Sunday New York Times article by Mark Leibovich wherein the senator's lack of familiarity with computer use and the Internet was examined in the context of how it might affect his presidency.

The senator is not alone, of course -- the report noted that 27 percent of Americans do not use the Internet. They're just not interested or are involved in work for which they think they don't need the Internet or, like McCain, have their Internet needs taken care of by assistants. But the fact is that the Internet is going to be only more in use -- from searching for homes to buying couches.

McCain, the story noted, is enough of a novice when it comes to all this that he's still amazed by it. Of his wife Cindy's skills, he noted, "She even does my boarding passes -- people can do that now." And he boasted that when the McCains adjourn to the local cinema, "... she gets the tickets ahead of time. It's incredible."

The senator did say that he's aware of the importance of computers and that he's "forcing himself" to use one. Of course, it had the same ring as if he had said, "I'm taking fish oil, but the pills are as big as a softball."

Now, while a president might not have to be as proficient on computers as, f'rinstance, those folks who send up a space shuttle now and then, Sen. McCain would be wise to familiarize himself with the basics. The Internet is worldwide, after all, and not likely to be, like, say, color TV, just a fad.

So we herewith offer the aspiring president some keys to technique and terminology in cyberspace:

* "Internets" is not the term you want, although it has been used by President Bush in mentioning the Internet. If you don't want folks to think this is about a "third Bush term," you might want to remember that. Also, your colleague Ted Stevens of Alaska once defined the Internet as "a series of tubes" (as The Times noted).

* Be careful about abbreviations used in instant messaging (IM) and text messaging over telephones. (We are assuming the senator's view of the Internet extends to cell phone text messaging.) "LOL" used to mean "lots of love" and was signed with x's and o's, and then it meant "lots of luck" and now it means "laughing out loud." Given the nature of international diplomacy, it might be wise to stay away from LOL altogether, and just stay with, "10-4" or "Cindy, can you help me?"

* When you send an e-mail, doublecheck the address. A colleague once sent a note critical of his boss, intended for me, to his boss. "Oh, no!" he wrote when I told him I'd gotten no message. "I'm dead!" The boss knew what to do. He never spoke of it but gained a mischief in his smile when he saw the guy thereafter. And in the case of a person in a presidential position, there's always the chance of, oh, a wrong key dropping the big one on another country.

* "Upload" means you've sent something to a site on the Internet from your computer and you have to be careful about that. One slip and your joke about the guy going into the bar is on the Worldwide Web forever. "Download" means you have pulled something off the Internet to your computer. Might be time to break your "Simpsons" habit.

* "Google" should find you just about anything. In fact, you might want to Google "Dick Cheney" on your first day to make sure he's not hanging out in the War Room.

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