Wellsir, all the president's men figure George W. Bush will raise about $200 million to finance his re-election campaign, which is one reason he came to North Carolina this week. Among other things, Bush was thanking his "Rangers," the people who raised $200,000 or so, and the "Pioneers," who raised $100,000. What happens is, you raise that kind of money, and you get your picture taken with the president and maybe have a couple of shrimp and a little wine.

Actually, that's not fair. The fact is, the Bush campaign has a very well-organized compensation plan for donors to express its appreciation to them. It is not well-known, but your correspondent has of late been working the inside track on the campaigns of President Bush and presumed Democratic nominee John Kerry, that tall guy from Massachusetts. Thus, we have assembled information closely held in both camps as to how donors are rewarded for their support.

Now Bush has something of an advantage, in that, believe it or not, he's president.

For example, although "Rangers" are generally regarded as the top-level contributors, the president has a confidential group of supporters who have raised $10 million or more for him, and given the president's penchant for military, macho-kind of stuff, they are called the "Nucular Weapons."

Those who are NWs receive all the invitations to the perfunctory events -- Christmas parties, etc. -- but they also get to choose from a buffet of rewards.

For example, if you are a NW, you get a complimentary hunting trip with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who will tell funny, inside stories about Vice President Cheney and lead your group in "99 Bottles."

In addition, you get to call the president "Cuz," and you are awarded a presidential pardon for yourself or a white collar criminal of your choice. If you are the owner of a multinational manufacturing company, you get to send 64 percent of your jobs overseas. You also receive a complimentary commemorative T-shirt that reads, "Free the Tyco Two."

Finally, and this is for NW-level givers only, you receive a nuclear code of your choice.

Those in the Rangers group do not share in all those goodies, but both they and the NWs will enjoy a plethora of perks: unlimited pickled eggs at the Exxon station in Crawford, Tex., Camp David leather jacket with official White House price tag reading, "Election year special, $200,000," and one round of golf borrowing Woodrow Wilson's clubs from the Smithsonian.

Pioneers, those who raised only $100,000, are lucky to get anything for that little bitty money, but they do get a Camp David windbreaker, personally autographed "Best Wishes" by the president, or actually, "Best Whishes." They also receive official permission to skip the Wayne Newton medley at the GOP convention, and for those who are former executives with Enron, there's an extra year off for good behavior if trials don't go so well.

This brings us to Democrat John Kerry. As one might expect, Kerry's top fund-raisers, dubbed the "Limousine Liberals" and the "Minutemen" in honor of his home state of Massachusetts, will not have access to the really good stuff, at least not until Kerry is elected and has a shot at that Democratic Lincoln Bedroom deal, but the senator and his wife, Heinz heiress Teresa Heinz Kerry, are doing the best they can. And just as President Bush is targeting his rewards for the GOP conservative base, so Kerry is offering some goodies that will appeal to the most ardent of his party's faithful.

For example, those who raise $100,000 or more get a free session with Kerry's Zen and Yoga teacher. They will also receive one shot of Botox from Kerry's forehead guy.

As perhaps a sign that Kerry is aware he's at a fund-raising disadvantage, it is rumored that those who stirred the pockets of contributors for $200,000 will get a private demonstration from the senator of the secret handshake of the Yale University elite group, Skull and Bones. (Kerry and Bush are both members.) They will also receive a Yale sweatshirt with the group's slogan on the back: "Catch a Tiger by the Tail, Daddy Got Me into Yale."

Other buttons and T-shirts are also being turned out for the top givers, with mottos targeted for specific types of contributors and those who might be loyal Democrats but perhaps have mixed feelings: "SUV driver, but a Conservationist for Kerry," and "OK, he's not Clinton, but what were we gonna do?" or "What, you'd rather have Al Gore?" Also a bonus for Kerry's most generous friends: new CDs from Neil Young and Peter, Paul & Mary.

It has not yet been announced, but a rumor in Democratic circles reports that Kerry is considering bringing in Sen. Ted Kennedy to meet around the country with potential big, big givers. Called, "Coffee with Kennedy," it's said the senator will meet with people over plates of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Contributors are advised to get there early.

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