Let us not pronounce the end of civilization as we know it, though no one could be blamed for such a conclusion after the events of recent weeks.

After all, if one is looking for signs that the end is upon us, one might consider: 1) The election of an action movie star as governor of California; 2) The untimely exposure of a rock star's sister at halftime of the Super Bowl while her brother awaited trial ... oh, let's just not talk about it; 3) An investigation of the drug purchases of America's most right-eous conservative talking head; 4) The indictment and trial of of the nation's foremost homemaker and perfectionist; 5) Well...

You know, never mind. The end of civilization is upon us. I'll see you on the Other Side.

Just kidding.

As your correspondent is an eternal optimist, he refuses to surrender to the demise of this culture or the foretelling thereof. Instead, let us look to the future, assuming there will be one, and take one baby step at a time to restore, or perhaps that should be reweave, the moral fabric of our society.

Thus, I am today volunteering to be the entertainment chairperson for Super Bowl XXXIX, which is 39 in Roman numerals, Rome being the civilization that collapsed shortly after the sister of Emperor Spartacus Michaelus Jacksonius exposed her right calf during a gladiator tussle at the big Colosseum.

But do not despair.

The next Super Bowl halftime production will be a monument to our culture, not a certain sign of its disintegration personified by people like the one who goes by the moniker of "Kid Rock," a fellow who can always find his undershirt but not his actual shirt. Suffice to say, this is not because he was so caught up in reading Faulkner that he simply didn't have time to finish dressing.

We are going to change all that, and Super Bowl XXXIX will be the watershed moment.

For starters, and just to make sure everyone understands we intend to tolerate no misbehavior on or off the field, the coin toss will be handled by the Rev. Dr. Billy Graham. In addition to ensuring a clean toss, this will have everyone sitting up straight in their chairs right from the start. Because Billy Graham, you know, can call down a thunderbolt any time he wants. ("This is a warning. One more pull on a facemask, young fellow, and...")

The National Anthem will be sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, continuing with our clean-living, reweave America theme. Ms. Oprah Winfrey will be the chief executive officer of all the festivities, as she will be able to screen all commercials for suggestiveness or anything that would be inappropriate for a family audience. If you can't trust Oprah, well, it's time to pack up the ol' rocket ship and head for Mars, whether it's ready or not.

Halftime will be a blockbuster, and yes, a reflection of the diversity in America's reborn wholesome culture.

We'll open with a special revue of former members of the Lawrence Welk orchestra, always the real measurement for hipness and cool. Ray Charles will sing "America the Beautiful." Then there will be a medley of patriotic songs with big band accompaniment.

We're going to get James Earl Jones to narrate something, anything. Man reads a recipe, you'd think it was Genesis.

Now, it's important at every Super Bowl to exhibit something international, something that reflects our global society and its diversity. No problem. We're going to have Gordon Lightfoot, known as the Canadian Bob Dylan, sing some of his timeless classics, closing with "Canadian Railroad Trilogy." Yes, we are a bit worried about crowd control, as Lightfoot's "Early Morning Rain" is known to be a rouser.

But we are confident the crowd will remain relatively under control knowing that following Lightfoot, there will be a special tribute to The Muppets and all things wholesome. Having brought the crowd to tears with this moving gesture, we'll be ready for our headlining portion of the program. And it's big. It's tremendous. It's gargantuan.

Interrupting their annual farewell tour, we present the biggest act in the history of reweaving America's moral fabric. Peter, Paul and Mary will be performing all the greats -- "Leaving on a Jet Plane," "Puff the Magic Dragon," "500 Miles," "The Garden Song." Now tell me people won't be talking about this as the greatest entertainment spectacular in Super Bowl history, and reckon to themselves and each other that it was the moment our society began its comeback from depravity.

Oh, one thing. PP&M will not be singing "I Dig Rock and Roll Music." Far too provocative. You want that kind of risque stuff, you go look up ol' Janet What's-her-name.