Well, it just tears you up, yes it does, to read about the loneliness of Sen. John Kerry. The 2004 Democratic presidential nominee, reports The New York Times, is rather forlorn these days. It seems he was never really a team player in the Senate, a bit cold and aloof y'know, and when he made a speech in the Senate announcing he wasn't going to run for president next time out, only two senators were in attendance -- his Massachusetts colleague Ted Kennedy and Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada.

Pundits are feasting on Kerry's failures as if he were carrion on the desert, and even his defenders aren't helping much. Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont said Kerry was still big news outside the U.S.: "John was treated like a rock star in Switzerland." Good grief. You know you're in trouble when your friends are saying you are a rock star in Switzerland. That's like a faded movie queen saying, "Well, yes, it's been 30 years since I made a picture, but in Botswana there are monuments to me."

In fact, the solution for John Kerry is simple, and it comes without a bill attached (his presidential campaign consultant was reported to have pulled down over $100 million -- for losing). It's simple, down-home advice: Pick yourself up, start over in a new place, don't be afraid to begin at the political bottom, and rise again, brother.

Toward that end...

First, what about moving to Raleigh, getting yourself a nice cozy downtown condo, and laying the groundwork for an at-large City Council bid? Now you and Mrs. Kerry, Teresa, could unload the Georgetown property, and the place in France, and Italy and Switzerland and Idaho and wherever and buy about 1,200 square feet with two bedrooms and two baths within walking distance of the Exploris museum and the IMAX theater and the Museum of Natural Sciences and City Market and Caffe Luna and Vic's. You'll think you're in Rome or Paris or any number of international glamor spots. You'll think to yourselves: why did we spend all that time in the cultural wasteland of Washington?

Then, see, you start volunteering around town, raise the ol' profile a little, and when the very first person, even if it's Teresa, says, "Hey, you ought to run for City Council," then you announce that there has been a groundswell and you are running. You will guarantee free parking downtown, no towing, free cable TV citywide, city-sponsored picnics for the entire population every Tuesday. No, you can't deliver on any of these things, probably, but you've been in Congress, man. You know the deal. The way people feel about Congress, they'll just be happy you didn't clean out the city treasury and run off with the acorn.

After two terms, you challenge for mayor. Now there is a rumor that a formidable opponent might be out there -- none other than former Mayor Tom "Man, that is a beautiful suit" Fetzer. No matter. Even if you lose a high profile race against Fetzer for mayor, you're still set up to move on to the state Senate.

We have some fairly well-liked senators already, but by pouring $5 million of your own money into the campaign, you will be well-positioned to take a seat. In the Senate, you'll be under the direction of Sens. Marc Basnight, the president pro tem, and Tony Rand of Fayetteville, the majority leader. These guys make your congressional cloak rooms look like sandboxes. All you need to know is that your experience in Washington will not be of much use here. Just make a note: If Basnight points his thumb upward, your little bill is going places. If his thumb is down -- even if you just want to recognize Mother's Day -- it's good night, ladies.

Do your duty in the Senate quietly, and after three terms you'll be ready to go for the big one -- that's right, lieutenant governor. Keep the ol' ribbon-cutting hand limber, because you're going to be opening a lot of stuff over eight years. Yes, eight years. See, after Governor Easley finishes up his second term, there will be a couple of more folks who've been waiting in line a long time, and when they're done, Governor Jim Hunt will return to office for two more terms. After that, by our calculations, you'll still be a relatively young man in his middle-90s and...hmmm, maybe, having thought it through, being a rock star in Switzerland isn't so bad after all.

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