Y'all go on now and get yourselves something nice, said Uncle George W. Bush, president of the United States, as if Christmas were coming and the goose was getting fat, and all that. Yep, he said, I'm concerned about this little ol' downturn in the economy -- not that it's anything to worry about or has anything to do with me -- and I've got the cure. In addition to making sure my rich buds get themselves some permanent tax breaks, what I'll do is, I'll send all y'all a check for a few hundred bucks, and then you'll go out and spend it, and just like that, the merchants will be happy, the economy will be stimulated and ... like I said ... y'all can have a little pretty for yourselves. Part of my "stimulus" package.

And it should be noted that congressional Democrats went right along with the plan, continuing their weak-kneed approach to governing.

Alas, the ordinary folks do not, contrary to Washington thinking, have the IQ of a 2-iron. News reports as the first rebate checks start to arrive are that people are spending the money for necessities or saving it, because so many are worried about losing their jobs or getting their hours cut back, or making that next college tuition payment, not that Mr. Bush's gift -- roughly $600 for individuals and $1,200 for couples, although the amounts vary -- is going to cover State U. for long.

My check from the Treasury arrived a few days ago. It gave me no "palpatutions," as Barney Fife would say. It did not conjure visions of puffing fat cigars and drinking Beefeater martinis while surrounded by starlets in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel. (Not that I ever have had that vision, you understand.) There were no imaginings of pausing at the lodge in Aspen between ski runs and arguing with Jack Nicholson over who was picking up the check. Nor did I leap for joy and think, "Hot dog! Now I'll trade the Toyota for a gilded Hummer!" (I did go for the venti, whatever that is, at Starbucks as opposed to the usual grande, whatever that is, and felt positively giddy.)

Nope. None of that. In fact, friends, if you have 24-carat ideas about what you will do with your tax rebate check, you might want to lean back in the easy chair and put a cold cloth over your eyes. And maybe tone down those 24-carat dreams to, say, stainless steel.

The idea was that people would take their money and get themselves to stores to do a little old-fashioned American commerce. Pick things up for the merchants, enjoy their purchases and feel better.

Maybe some will. Our struggling merchants could use it, goodness knows. But even then, folks ought to be a little insulted by the whole thing. Doesn't this really feel like a president doling out a few bucks to the folks in the hope that they'll be in a more kindly mood when the next pollster calls?

"Hey, Ma, I'm really enjoying this lawnmower I got with part of our rebate check from the president."

"Know what you mean, Pa. This new movie camera is getting some great shots of the grandkids."

"Did the Gallup people call today, Ma?"

"Yes. I told them we felt a little better about the president than last time."

"You mean ..."

"Yep. I said we'd rank him above chicken pox but still below mosquitoes."

The president's checkbook (actually, it's our checkbook) is not going to make people forget the war in Iraq. It's not going to make people forget that Bush's economic "strategy" spent a federal surplus into a huge federal deficit. It's not going to make people forget that, absent employer help, health insurance is harder (if not impossible) to get, that college is more difficult to afford and that gasoline costs about the same per gallon as milk, as the oil company barons shrug their well-tailored shoulders and reckon there's just nothing they can do about it.

As the aforementioned polls show, people just aren't that stupid. They know they'll need that rebate if the Bush team geniuses, instead of trying to pull the economy out of the ditch, keep digging the ditch deeper. Lots of people are "stimulated," all right, but their excitement seems to be manifesting itself more in anger toward an absence of leadership than in spending the coins tossed to them by self-serving politicians.

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