Before your correspondent really gets rolling about what they call "grade inflation" on our college campuses -- over 40 percent of all grades last spring at UNC-Chapel Hill were A's -- a few words of patented, up-front candor. Not Bill Clinton candor, either. The straight stuff.

Some of my classmates in the early 1970s graduated summa cum laude. Others cum laude. I was, as a friend put it, thank you laude. I blame some of it on lax instruction, of course, and not on study habits that had me averaging 10 minutes a night. It was also a peculiar time of experimentation with courses of study -- you could trade math against philosophy, or foreign languages against that same cursed math. I survived with a diploma, but to this day when others of my generation talk about basic training experiences, I say, "I know what you mean. I was at Chapel Hill then...but I don't like to talk about it."

In any case, it now seems that A's are relatively easy to come by, at least in liberal arts type stuff. A News & Observer report from Jane Stancill notes that high percentage of A's and the factors that may contribute to it.

For example, some speculate that because there is now a network of Web sites that clue students in to the toughest, and the easiest, professors, some faculty members worry that their classes will be avoided. (In fact, they already are.) That in turn leads students to look for the easy way out, and that sort of philosophy bothers some educators who think -- gasp -- that it ought to be about the education and not about the grade.

Then there's the fact that student evaluations of teachers, oh, just might be influenced by grades. It seems a little crazy to give students the power to grade professors, if you ask me. But given the competition for the velvet pillow of tenure and promotions and the like, one supposes professors are worried about those student opinions.

Ah, and the money factor. Because kids' parents are paying a lot more, even on public campuses like Chapel Hill where tuition and fees have been foolishly hiked in recent years, good grades, some say, are regarded as something that's simply expected. In 2002, seniors at Duke University, according to data from a Duke prof, had an average grade point average of 3.38, which one official reckoned was due to smarter students. But even when you figure that Duke's not as tough as Chapel Hill, that seems high. (Just kidding, Dookies.)

What will be the result if the trend continues? Not hard to figure.

Graduate schools will be overflowing. And grade inflation will grow there, too.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this brings us to today's final oral exam in this medical school advanced surgery class. Let us begin. Mr. Jones, here is your question: Which little piggy went to market? For extra credit, which little piggy stayed home?"

Or...

"Good morning, students. Today's final for the doctorate in political science consists of multiple choice questions. The first question: Richard Nixon resigned from office after what scandal? Your options: 1. Teapot Dome 2. Monica Lewinsky 3. Watergate 4. My Daddy paid 25 grand to this place and I'm going to inherit the family business, so who cares?

"And great news! You may use your computers and look on your neighbor's paper if you wish!"

And then there's history.

"First question is as follows: Who is buried in Grant's tomb? Mr. Wilson? Well, no, I don't think I can explain during the exam who Grant was. Ms. Johnson? No, it is not George Washington. Hey...you know what? I think maybe this final is unfairly tough. Why don't I just give everybody an A and you go ahead and fill out those teacher evaluation forms."

Your correspondent is shocked and appalled and thinks the little rascals should suffer as we did in the 1970s. This kind of ridiculous grade inflation mocks what universities are trying to do and cheapens all diplomas.

However, if this be the trend, then I would like a retroactive examination of my own anemic grade point average under the standards of 2004. By that reasoning, I should have at least a B in geography, where I have until now stood alone as the only student to flunk it twice. I can find my way anywhere I need to go, particularly with a car directional system. And I would also like my D in Biology in summer school raised to an A. I can carve a turkey.

If these grades come up, and I can work this magic in Spanish, Logic, Chaucer and a few other courses, then one day I shall have the Phi Beta Kappa key and look to new horizons. Dr. Jenkins. Yes, I like that. And it can't be that hard. Sure, it might take me a few cuts to figure whether the heart's on the right or left and to take that appendix out of the kneecap, but I'd get there.