Global warming is becoming a real pain. So far, I've been able to put up with the scientific and political debate, even though it's only slightly more enlightening than the "is too/is not" arguments that fill America's playgrounds.

There's not much to debate in my book. Global warming is a done deal. Man is contributing, but whether it's enough to matter is at the center of the controversy. I don't think it is. Even if I'm wrong, I still don't understand all the fuss.

Earlier this month, a United Nations panel warned that unless global warming is slowed or reversed, sea levels could rise between 7 and 23 inches by 2100. Since my home state of Arizona used to be at the bottom of an ocean, it's hard for me to break into a cold sweat over a lousy 2 feet. My advice to coastal residents who worry about a higher tide is simple: move inland. Do it fast. There's only 93 years left.

Financial doomsday may arrive sooner. A few days ago I learned that state Insurance Commissioner Jim Long has agreed to a deal that allows insurance companies to increase homeowner rates by 5.4 percent beginning in May. Not bad. It's been two years since their last rate increase.

What's troubling is that, according to the Department of Insurance, the companies came to the table asking for a 32 percent average statewide increase. They wanted a 46 percent increase in the Triangle and a 125 percent hike in Brunswick, Pender, Onslow and New Hanover counties.

Thankfully, Long called their bluff. What's amazing is that the insurance companies believed they could justify such sky-high increases in a state that hasn't had a major disaster since the last time they raised their rates.

Then it hit me. Global warming is an insurance company's dream come true. Just about any rate hike can now be blamed on it. Instead of relying solely on boring accountants to justify outrageous hikes, insurers can now cite scientists, Hollywood and a former vice president.

Think about it. A 125 percent increase request for coastal counties doesn't look so outrageous after a screening of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." Hurricanes, ice storms, floods and drought -- just about every insurable natural disaster in some way is blamed on global warming.

Even better for insurance companies is the argument that man-made global warming is increasing the intensity and frequency of natural disasters. Now, no one can escape one of the few indisputable consequences of global warming: higher insurance rates. The mob couldn't have cooked up a sweeter scheme.

Instead of getting mad at global warming alarmists -- anger generates additional heat, and we don't want that -- I've created an enviro-scam of my own.

Once it warms up, I'm going to scope out several nice beach houses and send the owners a copy of the enviro-disaster movie "The Day After Tomorrow." I'll send along a card with this quote from Janet Sawin, director of the energy and climate program at the Worldwatch Institute in Washington, D.C.: "Climate change is already happening now, not the day after tomorrow."

A few days later I'll show up at their doors and ask how much they'll pay me to take their future disaster areas off their hands.

I know this scheme isn't as sophisticated as the insurance companies' game, but it's a start.

If those companies are smart, they'll start writing big fat donation checks to environmentalists, scientists and advocates who perpetuate the fear of global warming. No one else is doing a better job of making the planet a bountiful environment for future generations of warm children, fuzzy animals -- and insurance agents.