RALEIGH - Choking back tears on the stage at Walnut Creek Amphitheater on Friday night, former "American Idol" sweetheart Kellie Pickler sang a song of questions to the mother who abandoned her.

In a church sanctuary not five miles away, Pickler's mother, Cynthia Malone, prayed once more for the strength to fully forgive herself for deserting Pickler as a toddler.

What was once a mother's private shame has become national intrigue as Pickler, 21, a budding country music vocalist, penned a song about a little girl's longing for a vanished mother. "I Wonder" is climbing the Billboard Hot Country Songs list, hitting No. 15 this month.

Malone, who lives in the Triangle, said it was hard to hear the first words her daughter had spoken to her in a decade uttered in a song on the radio. The lyrics are more mournful than angry, more pitiful than judging, but Pickler poses painful questions:

"Did you think I didn't need you here/ To hold my hand/ To dry my tears/ Did you even miss me through the years at all?"

The song -- and Pickler's discussions about her tough childhood -- unleashed a range of emotions for Malone. Embarrassment faded to anger, which turned to hurt. Now, Malone is using the conversation that Pickler started in a song to speak to strangers about her struggles.

Malone, 38, spoke last week about leaving her daughter and her efforts to escape abusive relationships. She said she is finally free and healthy and wants to help other victims of domestic violence. She has joined with Interact, Wake County's domestic violence support center, to assist victims and hopes her unwelcome fame as Pickler's estranged mom will make them listen.

'To help one girl'

"I can't change anybody's mind or their perception of me," said Malone, widening dark eyes that match her daughter's. "But, if I had a dream, it would be to help one girl. To let her know that you don't have to do it by yourself."

Pickler declined through her publicist, Wes Vause, to comment for this story. Vause said Pickler's song captures her thoughts best.

Pickler sings in part: "Forgiveness is such a simple word/ But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt."

Pickler's father, Clyde "Bo" Pickler Jr., 42, whom Kellie has described as an alcoholic often jailed during her childhood, is behind bars again in Stanly County. He was convicted last week of stealing cars and pawning them for scrap metal, a Stanly County Sheriff's Office official said. Clyde Pickler is also on probation for assaulting his current wife with a steak knife. His attorney did not return calls.

Malone was 16 and a country girl living in Stanly County when she fell for Clyde Pickler. He pulled up to her window at a local McDonald's drive-thru. She was smitten, and quickly they became a pair.

"He told me everything I wanted to hear," Malone said. "He told me he loved me, that I was pretty, that he wanted to be there and protect me from my dad. I wholeheartedly believed him."

Soon, Malone got pregnant with Kellie. She said she resisted family pressure to have an abortion and married Clyde Pickler instead. That was when the trouble started.

The beatings came fast and furious, Malone said. She tried to shield her bulging belly and had to take medicine to temper premature contractions.

"I knew God had to have a purpose for [Kellie] because there was too many times I would have miscarried because of all the hitting and beating on my stomach," Malone said.

Eight months pregnant, Malone went to a baby shower with a black eye and busted lip. She told family members she had run into a wall. No one questioned her, Malone said.

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