Indulged children refuse to help mom

Q: When my husband was working, we were very generous to our four children. We put them all through college, they all graduated without any debt, and for years we helped them out financially with outright gifts of money.

Due to a divorce and job losses, we have also welcomed three of them back into our home for extended stays. One son and his family stayed here for almost two years until he got back on his feet. We never charged rent and paid for all food and utilities during each of their stays.

My husband retired two years ago and passed away last year at age 64. I now receive half of his pension, and my Social Security payment increased to match his benefit amount. But we had planned on living on his full pension and both of our Social Security checks in retirement.

Lately, in addition to facing some health issues, I find myself running short on money every month. I don't have much in savings, due to the generosity shown to our children over the years, and I have asked them to help me out.

All of them say they are having trouble making ends meet themselves and they are not in a position to provide any assistance. I never thought they wouldn't help out when needed after all we've done for them. I have copies of most of the cancelled checks from our gifts. I know I can't go back and charge room and board for when they stayed here but there must be a way I can force them to return the monetary gifts made over the past 12 years? Do I need to hire a lawyer?

A: What a sad situation.

Because you and your husband made gifts and not loans, guilt is your best line of attack. You can't legally force people to return an unconditional gift.

I see this type of situation too many times in my practice. Parents often give too much to their grown children before making sure they themselves are financially secure.

Parents will state that their retirement savings would be much greater but: They didn't want their children to graduate from college and/or graduate school with debt; they paid for an extravagant wedding; they bailed a child out from under massive credit card debt; they helped pay for a first home; or they came to their children's financial rescue in some other way.

As you can testify, relying on your children to reciprocate your generosity when or if it's needed is not a good plan.

I think it is wonderful to be able to help children with financial gifts but not to the detriment of your own retirement. Once retired, there are few options to meet living expenses.

Children can get loans for college, have more-affordable weddings, learn from their credit card indulgences and rent until they can afford to buy a home.

I advise not helping grown children financially until parents are sure that they have saved enough to meet expected and unforeseen expenses in retirement.

The best way to prevent running out of money in retirement is to determine what amount you need to have saved in addition to any pension and Social Security benefits to meet your required expenses.

There are many free Web sites that can to assist with this determination. If you want a more personalized approach, any competent financial planner will be able to help.