As a public service, Ol’ Ron is offering the following tips on how better to enjoy your golf game (there will be no snickering, please):
Do not, under any circumstances, try to read a putt like Camilo Villegas. It slows down play when your partners have to help you up.
Keep in mind Dean Martin’s advice: If you drive, don’t drink. Don’t even putt.
Find time for a quick nine holes by yourself. It does wonders for your score, with all those mulligans. Plus you don’t have to watch your language. It is truly a cleansing thing, especially in the days after the club championship, when the ego needs to be nursed back to life.
Never miss a local story.
Use an old ball when playing over a water hazard. That is, if you have any old balls. If your ball is clearly going to fall into the hazard, yell “Swim!” It doesn’t help, of course, it just sounds better than the standard exhortations, if you know what I mean.
Never play a shot off a cart path with your own club. Borrow one from someone who isn’t looking.
Be sure and drink plenty of fluids on hot days, especially if the cart girl is cute. (Raising a question – has there ever been a cart girl who isn’t cute? They’re like anchorwomen on TV. Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies" need not apply.)
Don’t count up your putts at the end of a round. It’s bad for your digestion.
If a slow player is giving you hives, try not to think about him or her. Think of something more pleasant, like your upcoming surgery.
If you hit a really awful shot, so bad it’s embarrassing, pretend you hurt yourself. That’s what football players do when they fumble.
If you take three shots to get out of a sand bunker, don’t bother telling your partners about how bad the sand is. Nobody’s buying it, OK? Tell them you hurt yourself.
Remember, golf is not a science, it’s an art. Or is it the other way around? I can’t remember. I hurt myself.