Living in the USA is sometimes like the circus

Junior is going out the door to catch the bus to Rosewood Middle School in Wayne County when he turns and says, "Hey Pop, I gotta have 20 bucks for school today!"

"Boy, you running a fever or something?"

"Naw, but if you want me to pass arithmetic, I gotta have big money. I can buy 20 points on the next two big tests, which should give me at least a good D, if not a C."

I know, I know. Kids have been raising money for school projects since Dick and Jane were in kindergarten. And what a shame.

Even during the Dark Ages, when I was in high school, two or three teachers would drive students to Winston-Salem and dump us out in residential sections to knock on doors and sell magazine subscriptions. That's how the school financed its classroom intercom system.

But all we received for our day-long efforts was an "Atta boy," from the football coach or "Nice job," from the drama teacher.

All of you have answered your doorbell to find kids on your doorsteps peddling popcorn, candy, grapefruit, wrapping paper - you name it - to finance some needed school project.

But selling grades - i.e., giving 20 extra points on exams to kids donating $20 in cold cash? That's a new low, and an embarrassing one for North Carolina. The Rosewood School's "Pay to Pass" story made the evening news on most TV networks and cable outlets.

Even after Wayne County officials scuttled the ill-advised scheme, one PTA official defended it as "creative."

Creative? What's creative about reinforcing the already prevalent Wall Street concept that anything can be bought, even the integrity of a school's grading system? What kind of moral message does this send to our youth, especially those who can't afford lunch, much less come up with $20 to purchase a passing grade?

Do you sometimes think that living in America today is like living in a circus? Send in the clowns? No, never mind. They're already here.

Boring and bored

Last week's comment about boring baseball drew responses ranging from outright anger to news of "scholarly" research.

Joe Namath of Apex writes, "I think it was Red Barber who said, 'Baseball is dull only to dull minds.' It sounds as if you've joined the dull mind club. I wonder what took you so long, or have you been a lifelong member?' "

Dr. Jim Mullholland, retired NCSU professor, shared some important research he once conducted while recuperating from the flu.

Using a stopwatch, he recorded the actual action time of a baseball game involving the Atlanta Braves, and next day did the same during a pro football double-header.

"Surprise!" said the prof, "The time the ball was in play during the baseball game totaled 7 minutes, 34 seconds.

"In the first football game, ball-in-play time totaled 6 minutes, 51 seconds. In the second, 7 minutes and one second.

"Baseball was and remains a lot of scuffing, signaling, spitting, stalling and not much hurling and hitting," Jim noted. "Football, as a nameless sage once observed, is 'endless committee meetings punctuated by random acts of violence.' "

His conclusion: "Boring is where you find it."

Slept where?

My mention of unusual rural road names reminded Dr. Larry Adams of Emerald Isle of the time his father-in-law entertained an Air Force general for a weekend of bass fishing in the coastal community of Poplar Branch.

When the general's wife called the next morning and asked where he had slept, he replied, "Between Mamie and Bertha," two communities east and west of Poplar Branch.

Uppercase people

The inner workings of a newspaper have always been a mystery to our readers.

One recently asked, "How come you folks don't capitalize other important personages in our community but always capitalize 'Realtor' in your news columns."

I once put that same question to Ted Vaden, The N&O's former public editor. Vaden said it's because the term "Realtor" is copyrighted. Sort of like Frisbee.

"So, Ted," I said, "if, for example, the ladies of the evening organized and copyrighted their profession, we'd capitalize the word 'Prostitute'? And how about Pre-Owned Car Salesman, Orthodontist or Landscape Gardener?"

"I'm pretty busy, A.C.," my fellow journalist sighed before hanging up.

I suppose it's obvious that capitalizing - or 'uppercasing' as we in the trade call it - doesn't automatically accord any special honor or powers. So if you should meet a Realtor on the sidewalk, no need to curtsy or stand aside to let him/her pass.

Personally, if it were in my power, I'd uppercase Sanitation Employee, Electrician and Plumber, to name some Uppercase people in my life.

British writer Victoria Glendinning wrote, "There's no greater bliss in life than when the plumber comes and unlocks your drains. No writer can give that sort of pleasure."

It'll be a long spell before "politician" and "journalist" are uppercased in the public mind.

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