Saving our sons

We've never had a woman president, and most CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are still white men.

But William Pollack says there's a "boy crisis" in America.

As proof, he cites several measures:

•In schools across the country, boys get the majority of D's and F's; girls get most of the A's.

•Boys are less likely to graduate from high school and college than girls.

•And boys are more likely to commit suicide or homicide.

"I don't think there's a war or anyone's out to get them," said Pollack, a Harvard University psychologist. "But compared to girls, boys are failing -- failing in life, in school, in health. They're failing to feel good about themselves and develop into healthy adult males."

Pollack directs the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital in Boston, and he's the author of "Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood."

Two weeks ago, he spoke to parents and teachers at Trinity Episcopal School in Charlotte to raise money for Let Me Run, a local program created to encourage boys to embrace the idea that it's OK to express their emotions and feel vulnerable.

Pollack said boys are taught from an early age not to show their feelings. It comes through in "boy code," a term he coined years ago to describe messages boys get from society.

"We expect a 'real' boy to be tough, to hold back their tears when they're in pain, to be heroic, which means to sacrifice themselves for others and not to show vulnerability," Pollack said. "We expect this from the age of 4 and 5 on."

While research shows that boys and men like rough-and-tumble play, Pollack said there's "nothing that shows they're biologically hard-wired to be aggressive in a negative manner." If boys are hurtful and mean, he said, they've been taught that behavior.

"We need to ask what has happened to this poor boy," he said. "Most boys are suffering in silence. Boys are in trouble, because we have trouble seeing what they really need and giving it to them."

What's the solution?

Still, Pollack hopes that parents and teachers can learn to recognize the messages and change them.

Schools contribute to the "boy code" by failing to allow for differences in the way boys and girls learn, he said.

Without enough time for activity, boys squirm in their seats, get sent to the principal's office and may even be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and given medication. "Don't get me wrong," Pollack said. "I believe ADD is a true disorder and medication is a reasonable treatment, but I think it's overused."

Boys and girls also have a different "learning tempo," Pollack said. On average, boys learn to read and write about a year to 16 months later than girls, and boys are a year or two behind girls in mastering penmanship. "Yet we force it on them at the same time," he said.

He doesn't blame educators. "Most teachers haven't learned how boys learn.... When [boys] are not interested, they pull away, and teachers see them as problem kids. Boys are 10 times more likely to be disciplined than girls in elementary school."

Once teachers see the research, "they immediately come up with ideas to change the curriculum," Pollack said.

Indeed, Emily Rietz, a fifth-grade teacher at Trinity Episcopal in Charlotte, said she tried several new approaches after hearing Pollack's insights.

Children at her school get 30 minutes of recess daily and 20-minute breaks on three mornings. Also, between classes, during "transition," children are allowed to socialize and move around.

Rietz had often wondered why boys get so physical with each other during that free time. "They're all over each other all the time: jumping, wrestling, bear hugs."

When she mentioned that to Pollack, he asked her two questions: "Is anyone crying?" and "Is anyone complaining that they're being hurt?"

When she said no, he suggested that she talk to the boys about their behavior and offer them a deal.

So the next day, she and the boys "had a little powwow."

She asked them why they play the way they do. The boys told her that it was fun and it made them happy.

Then she said: "It's OK with me if you play like that outside but not in the classroom." They agreed, she said, and "it worked."

The curriculum at her school is already "boy-friendly and girl-affirmative," Rietz said. For example, she said she can spend a 70-minute session on one math problem, giving students time to talk and write about the problem until they understand, instead of the "drill-and-kill boredom" she remembers from her own childhood.

In writing and reading workshops, girls and boys work at their own pace. Rietz said it's interesting to see the subjects they choose for a writing lesson on birds. The girls tend to pick "cute" smaller birds; the boys write about "more interesting and quirky" birds: eagles, hawks and woodpeckers.

Mom and Dad's part

Parents, too, can learn to relate differently to their sons, Pollack said.

Because boys have a hard time expressing themselves in words and often feel shame if they have a problem, he advises: "Give them a little time."

"If he comes in the door and slams it, don't go after him immediately... He won't say 'Mom and Dad, I want to have a heart-to-heart interpersonal discussion.' He'll say, 'Is dinner ready?'"

That's the time for what Pollack calls "action talk."

"See what game they like to play. Ask them where they want to go. Get a movie and sit down next to them... While you're there, say 'Gee, you seem quiet' or "We haven't talked in a while.'... Just say one or two words. Then you wait."

(Pollack quips that once, when he gave that advice to one mother, she asked: "How many years?")

Boys will come forward, he said. "Maybe not as articulately at first, but they will share their feelings, especially their pain, and then you can help them."

One mother Pollack knows uses what she calls "car therapy." She took her 10-year-old son for ice cream, and as they drove, she said, "You seem down. Are you OK?" Before long, the boy started to cry and revealed that he was being teased about his girlfriend. But then he told her: "Mom, I don't even have a girlfriend."

They talked about why people tease others and what he might do in response, and she assured him that there was nothing wrong with him. He didn't say thank you, Pollack said, but "from then on when he had a problem, he would come to her."

Instead of lectures, Pollack said boys need security and reassurance. "Let him know how much you respect him, admire him and love him. Tell him, 'You have to stand on your own two feet when you need to, but most of the time you'll want to be attached to somebody.'"

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