All is well in the Collins household. More or less. You may recall reading about Mike and Paula Collins, the husband-and-wife duo who found themselves in a standoff this year over the issue of Christmas shopping. Mike -- who says shopping has been an increasingly contentious issue during the 10 years of their marriage -- several weeks ago declared that Paula makes too big a deal of shopping. Had he simply stopped there, the result would have been nothing so serious that a dozen roses and a few minutes of groveling couldn't fix.

But noooo. Mike had to further announce that he could do the family's Christmas shopping in two hours, tops. And that's without buying gifts online or by phone. Paula, saying it couldn't be done, took him up on the challenge, and the game was on.

Update No. 1: Mike and Paula are both still alive. Neither has committed mayhem on the other.

Update No. 2: Mike and Paula are still married. Neither has gotten lawyered up.

Update No. 3: Mike and Paula are still speaking to each other.

Update No. 4: Mike and Paula have a new understanding of the special stresses that are imposed on happy couples during the holiday season, their love is secure, things are fine, blah blah blah.

Update No. 5: Mike and Paula both claim to be the winner.

As is the case when the history of any conflict is later written, the opposing camps have different memories of the same engagement. Mike and Paula start with a point of agreement -- "This whole thing has been just a delight," he says. "It really has been fun," she says -- but from there the perception gap starts to widen.

Mike: "I'm positive it was less than two hours."

Paula (after pointing out that he shopped for only 15 people when there were something like 40 on their list): "That was one indication that he was pretty clueless."

Mike: "I didn't think it was necessary to buy gifts for the people who bag groceries for her at Food Lion."

Paula: "Oh, they weren't on the list."

Mike: "Both of us in our own way seem to be declaring victory."

Paula: "And that's the way it should be."

Aww, that's sweet, Paula being so conciliatory and all. Ooops. Wait a minute. There's more.

Paula (after noting that buying gifts is only part of the work): "They just don't appear under the tree fully wrapped. And don't forget the cards."

Ladies and gentlemen, you'll have to excuse me while I have a private word with Mike.

Yo, shopper dude. OK, you made your point. Even better, you and your wife had some fruitful conversations about a long-simmering domestic issue. Now it's time for a strategic retreat. Maybe even a tactical surrender. You may have won a narrow, technical victory here, but it's the same kind of victory that American forces in Vietnam enjoyed when they "won" 1968's Tet offensive -- which of course was a public relations nightmare that helped turn public opinion against the war.

Be like Richard Nixon, Mike. Declare victory, then run from this issue as fast as you can. It's a loser.