After coming out as a gay man eight years ago, Brett Webb-Mitchell left his wife, his Carrboro home, and his job to start a new and uncharted course at the age of 44.

But as he fashioned his new identity, there were two things he was unable and unwilling to part with: His two children and his faith.

Now he has written a book about both titled "On Being a Gay Parent: Making a Future Together." A former Duke Divinity School professor and an ordained Presbyterian minister, Webb-Mitchell said he found a dearth of books about being a gay parent and a Christian, so he decided to pen his own. He hopes it might give those walking the same path practical advice, comfort and support.

Part memoir and part advice manual, the book, published by Episcopal publishing house Seabury Books, broaches such issues as how to come out to children, what to call mommy or daddy's partner and how to handle teacher conferences. It also offers contextual explanations of Scripture passages condemning gay sex, as well as background on what family and marriage meant in the ancient Middle East.

The book, he said, was intended to "move forward the argument, 'We're parents out there, moms and dads, struggling to be good at this improvisational art called parenting.' "

Webb-Mitchell's own story is a familiar one. Born into a white, middle-class family, he was brought up to cherish family and faith. Though he had some inkling that he was gay, he was repulsed by the stereotypical gay role models and internalized the religious messages that being gay was sinful.

Like many traditional Christians, he and his wife, Pam, did not live together before marriage. They embraced their roles as husband and wife according to their conservative upbringing and inclinations.

"I understood marriage based on my own family of origin: it was a mom-and-dad operation, with dad as the breadwinner, and mom being the stay-at-home wife," he wrote.

In his early 40s, as a professor of Christian nurture at Duke, he could no longer deny his attraction to other men. That attraction was not always sexual, he said. It was an emotional, spiritual and intellectual pull that seemed to take over his life, commanding time, energy and attention away from his wife. Finally, he said, he had to come out to himself -- the first step in a process that is often followed by a revelation to one's partner, spouse and friends.

"I had be honest about who I was," he said.

Staying in children's lives

Though his wife accepted the news, his mother begged him to stay in the marriage and postpone telling his daughter, then 7, and son, then 4, until they graduated from high school. Although inclined to spare his children, Webb-Mitchell rejected his mother's plea.

He couldn't demand honesty from his children, he reasoned, if he himself was untruthful.

So he told his kids, moved out of the house, got a divorce and made a home with his partner, Dean Blackburn, a dean of students at UNC-Chapel Hill.

The Webb-Mitchells have joint custody of the children. Their daughter, 19, is now a sophomore in college. Their son, 15, spends at least three nights a week with his dad and his partner.

"I wanted to be as much a part of his life growing up," said Webb-Mitchell referring to his son. "I want to watch his soccer games and see him go to the prom."

In his book, Webb-Mitchell addresses some of the singular experiences gays and lesbians face with their children -- what to call the gay or lesbian partner, for one. Webb-Mitchell's children vacillated, calling Blackburn their gay nanny, Dad's partner and stepdad.

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