Recently I learned that when certified diva Mariah Carey enters a room, she likes for only her hit songs to be used as background music the entire time she is present.
And when I say “likes for” I mean that if you’re the DJ and you’re not playing Mariah, there’s a good chance your next gig will be at an interstate Ramada with the weeds growing in the parking lot cracks.
While some might think this is silly and over-the-top behavior, I think our girl might be onto something.
We all should have a theme song when we enter a room. I am considering demanding that each time I step into an elevator, office lobby or, OK, my own living room, the music should immediately switch to my personal theme song.
I didn’t actually have one until I read about Mariah but now I’ve adopted that Donna Summer classic: “She Works Hard for the Money.” Who can resist a little disco, amiright?
What follows is my list of possible theme songs for a few notables. Keep in mind, these are carefully curated suggestions that I have painstakingly developed following an exhaustive 10-minute Google search of popular song titles. OK, maybe I don’t work THAT hard for the money.
You’re welcome to come up with your own suggestions, but for now I hope you'll consider…
▪ “I Can’t Make You Love Me” (Bonnie Raitt): Hillary Rodham Clinton.
▪ ”21st Century Schizoid Man” (King Crimson): Donald J. Trump.
▪ “Toys in the Attic” (Aerosmith): Sarah Palin.
▪ “Gridlock!!” (Electric Six): Mitch McConnell.
▪ “The Sound of Silence” (Simon & Garfunkel): Empty halls of Congress while CDC begs for Zika funding during ill-timed summer recess.
▪ “Space Oddity” (David Bowie): Ted Cruz.
▪ “Fat Bottomed Girls” (Queen): OK, me again.
▪ “Smells Like Teen Spirit” (Nirvana): Bernie Sanders.
▪ “I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself” (Dusty Springfield): Chris Christie.
▪ “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” (U2): My 88-year-old Aunt Verlie rummaging in her purse for the past hour now.
▪ “Satan Gave Me a Taco” (Beck): Tim Kaine puzzling Hispanics at a political rally while meaning to say “I’m so glad to be here!”
▪ “Macho Insecurity” (Dead Kennedys): Jeb Bush.
▪ “Take This Job and Shove It!” (David Allan Coe): Barack Obama.
▪ “Help!” (The Beatles): Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher after realizing her big dumb fiance Jordan Rodgers is actually an animatronic robot made by Mattel.
▪ “Little Lies” (Fleetwood Mac): Every woman who ever appeared on any episode of “The Bachelor” and said “You know I don’t usually do this on the first date…”
▪ “Cold, Cold Heart” (Hank Williams): The checker at the grocery store who automatically gave me the senior discount.
▪ “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” (Billy Ocean): Josh Duggar, famous pervy big brother recently turned used car salesman.
▪ “I Say a Little Prayer” (Dionne Warwick): Mike Pence, for his immortal soul.
▪ “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” (Frank Sinatra): Michael Phelps after noticing a disturbing rash in Rio.