I would like to thank The News & Observer for allowing me to participate in the feature on aging parents. When I read the compilation of stories, including my own, I couldn't help but feel that there was something more that needed to be said. We are all struggling with the same issues: How do we provide a life with dignity, purpose and with as much independence as possible for our parents? How do we afford this? How do we enlist our parents' opinion and cooperation? And what resources and programs are out there to help us?

The truth is, there are no simple, "right" answers to these questions. We all have to find our own way. One gentleman in the feature has the resources to hire an entire "staff" for his mother in her home. Wouldn't it be nice if this was always financially possible! I can't blame others if they have to resort to Medicaid. Some are juggling parents' expenses, kids in college and putting away money for their own care someday.

I know that Alzheimer's care is exorbitantly expensive and is not usually covered by Medicare or most long-term care policies but is sometimes the best option. In my case, I wanted to keep my parents together and help them feel that they still had their own place. I needed the help of professionals to deal with my father's combative behavior. In the end, I have come to know that the care you pay for is only as good as the caregiver that is on the clock at that time, whether it is in a facility or in your home. That is why I am so glad to finally have Mom home with me. These situations are so complicated, and we really can't judge others unless we know their circumstances. What I tend to be judgmental about are the family members that I never saw when I was visiting my parents every day!

Sometimes our parents end up not even resembling the parents we loved. Sometimes we must visit them or care for them long after they have stopped recognizing us. But we must love them unconditionally and take care of them in the best possible scenario. The question I keep asking myself is, "What is happening to all of the elderly who don't have kids like us?"

Cindy Finan

Cary

A luxury out of reach

David Clegg is very fortunate to have the resources to keep his mother who has dementia at home. However, I bristled at his criticism of those of us who don't have the funds to provide round-the-clock care to our aging parents. At the new minimum wage, including Social Security and unemployment taxes, this care amounts to a minimum of $61,560 a year. And that doesn't include the housekeeper, housing expenses, medications, doctors' visits and food.

There are thousands of people in North Carolina taking care of their parents -- but these baby boomers don't have the luxury of hiring help.

Ann Louise Barrick

Stem