Just when a city needs visionaries, here they are. In Raleigh, we have been bestowed with the blessings of City Councilmen Kieran Shanahan, John Odom and Neal Hunt.

As we know, the city is strapped for financing, what with Governor Mike Easley withholding money that normally would go to local governments in order to help keep the state out of the ditch. Toward the end of making up for that loss, and keeping the city perking along, City Manager Russell Allen recently proposed boosting the per-household solid-waste fee from $15.60 a year to $60, and adding a small stormwater utility fee to help pay for flood control and maintaining clean water. Allen also proposes to cut the city's free garbage collection service to apartment complexes. The fees Allen has put on the table, he notes, are not uncommon in other cities.

No, no, no, say the aforementioned council members. Instead of focusing on fees, no matter how modest, and canceling that service to apartments, they'd prefer to eliminate money for road projects and cut back on greenway acquisitions, etc. -- you know, some of that quality-of-life stuff that their opponents claim Raleigh residents value.

Now, I know what some of you so-called enlightened, ultra-liberal, move-forward, first-class-city types are thinking: Cutting the budget in lieu of new fees or small fee increases is shortsighted, not befitting the Capital City, narrow-minded and all-too-typical of conservatives who don't believe the city ought to provide bells and whistles and ought to stick to the basics and let them eat cake ... er, let people provide their own amenities.

This is always the knee-jerk reaction to conservative common sense. Like when people make the entirely reasonable point that the Earth is flat, and then some o' these wild-eyed liberals start claiming it's round -- as if we all wouldn't fall plumb off of the thing if that were so. In any case, thanks to our intrepid investigative staff, we have obtained plans for the upcoming stages in a long-range budget-cutting plan, things the fellows are planning to announce in the coming weeks:

1. Fayetteville Street Mall. Rather than dig up the mall and turn it into a street and then turn it back into a mall in 10 years, the plan is to dig up the mall, leave it as a dirt road, and plant leftover space in tomatoes, corn and field peas. Likewise with other streets, as they become impassable with potholes, etc. Within the decade, all roads will be dirt roads, thus saving the city the cost of paving and maintenance. Not to mention that you just can't beat fresh tomatoes, corn and field peas.

2. To answer the crybabies who might complain that it will be impossible to drive cars along those dirt roads, the council trinity will prohibit cars in the city limits, restricting residents to one riding horse and one buggy. This eliminates the need for any clean-air initiatives, although it does boost the need for ... well ... specialized sanitation crews.

3. Elimination of all public safety forces. Each household will be issued a muzzle-loading rifle and a monthly ration of dry powder. The Hatfields and McCoys demonstrated that folks are capable of settling things among themselves, without doggone government interference, and the Cobles and the Meekers can do the same, by golly.

4. No more need for parks and recreation (fun stuff has always made conservatives a little edgy, anyway) facilities. You wanna swim? Go on down to Crabtree Creek and grab yourself an inner tube from the tires we won't need on account of, remember, there are no more cars.

5. Indoor plumbing to be eliminated. Two benefits result -- no need for inspectors and sewage treatment plants run by the evil government, and the creation of hundreds of jobs in the outdoor privy industry. This also, it should be noted, can provide an outlet for area artists, in terms of carving half-moons and stars and no telling what else on doors, making this whole Red Wolf thing look like amateur hour.

6. No more public utilities. The ultraliberal, touchy-feely, pinko progressives may whine, but there will be no need for electricity in the Capital City once the roads, safety and sewer issues are settled. We can take down all the poles, quit worrying about maintenance or what we'll do if another hurricane hits, and light homes and businesses with reliable kerosene. We can heat with wood, cook with wood and light with wood. This is the City of Oaks, after all. No electricity also will mean no video games -- and you know how comfort-mad the soft-pillow crowd at the General Assembly is; they'll probably move to another city.

Yeah ... I don't seem quite so crazy now, do I?