I started making plans to care for my mother when I was in my 40s so it would be less stressful for me and for her in the event that she needed assistance near the end of her life.

Acting as a caregiver can be more stressful for the caregiver than the parent receiving the treatment, because you are responsible for the life of a loved one and you have to focus on doing the right thing at all times.

We started by finding housing that was near my home. My sister, who is single and six years younger than me, volunteered to live with my mom. My sister and I were still working full time. I made plans early so I would be able to retire at age 55 in the event my mom needed help.

When my mom was 87 -- I was 57 at the time -- she had to have leg surgery for peripheral vascular disease. I retired from my job and was grateful that I was in a position to do so. Other than the PVD, my mother had other medical issues -- loss of hearing and high blood pressure.

After the surgery, she had to go to a rehabilitation center and I was there for her every day, and I thank God for that. Caring for someone in rehab is always better when a family member is present, because it puts less stress on the patient when someone who cares about them is present.

When she came home I tried to make her comfortable and took care of whatever needed to be done. My sister took over in the evening.

We purchased a recliner chair that she slept in for one year, as she could not sleep in a bed. Not long after the first surgery, she needed to have the same surgery on her other leg. This one was a little bit more complicated, and she went home after the surgery. We skipped the rehabilitation, and she did her exercises at home. This time, however, she did not bounce back to her usual self.

A medical service came by three times a week and exercised her leg, took her blood pressure, etc. This was all provided because she had Medicare parts A and B.

Toward the end, hospice became involved, and I cannot say enough good things about them. This stage of her life went on for about two years, and my mom died three weeks shy of her 90th birthday.

The only way I could have done this was with early planning. And despite the pain, we still managed some good times through all of this.

In fact, I actually loved taking care of her, as she was a remarkable woman and today, five years later, I am still grateful for that experience.

Kathleen A. Downs

Wake Forest

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