To: Fellow conspirators’ eyes only
Subject: Stealing election from Trump
Most states, including such key states as Florida and North Carolina, have early voting. This makes our job easier as we have more time to impersonate more people. First, vote as yourself as early as you can so no one can later impersonate YOU.
Next, begin your impersonations in the early voting period if your state has one. Early voting periods and rules vary from state to state, so you’ll have to figure what applies where you live. We’re trying to find a nationwide coordinator for this complicated task, but, so far, no takers. You’ll be helped by the fact that, under a court ruling, in most cases in North Carolina and other places, no identification will be required, despite efforts of Republicans to institute voter ID laws to thwart people like us.
In my county, you can cast your early ballot at the county elections office or three satellite sites. Of course, don’t go right back into the polling place after voting as yourself, lest you be recognized. Wait until poll workers change shifts. While you wait, you could drive to other early voting sites to vote again. Or, you could use disguises. If you’re the preppy type, you could chuck your chinos and button-down for torn jeans and a Grateful Dead T-shirt. Even better, you could crossdress.
In many early-voting states, you can repeat this procedure each day. Be warned that this tactic will become decreasingly effective, because you probably will encounter some of the same poll workers, who just might get suspicious. You may have to lie low for a while, unless you can switch places with co-conspirators from other counties. Note that what we are doing is illegal, so, no, we can’t reimburse you for mileage.
Easy as pie impersonation
Finally comes Election Day. You must rise early to get to as many precincts as possible. Long lines may slow you down, but with luck, you could maybe hit 10 precincts before the polls close. Where I live, it won’t pay to do more than one impersonation at a single polling place as the same poll workers stay through the whole Election Day shift. Again, be aware of local rules.
By this time, a poll worker may tell you the person you are impersonating has already voted. Play dumb. “Did I vote already? When? Oh, that was the day of the softball team picnic. Drank a lot of beer, maybe inhaled some stuff. Sorry. Forgot.” If you are a senior citizen, faking dementia may suffice.
Barack Obama won Pennsylvania by almost 288,000 votes in 2012. It would have taken some 6,400 impersonators to switch that outcome. Mitt Romney won North Carolina by more than 97,000 votes. You’d need about 2,150 impersonators to turn that around. Nationwide, Obama beat Romney by almost 3.5 million votes. By that standard we need at least 77,800 impersonators to rig this election.
So, get out and recruit volunteers. Just remember, they’ve all got to keep their mouths shut. This operation is secret.
Bill Arthur is a writer and editor in Pittsboro.