While searching the book shelves for words to salve the wounds of another painful day on the course, I came across a paperback that did the trick. It was easy. It reminded me how silly the game can be.
It's "The Golf Nut's Book Of Amazing Feats & Records," by Bruce Nash, Allan Zullo and George White, who apparently had time on their hands.
In this book, you will find such things as:
Lowest score playing St. Andrews by the light of the moon (93).
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Lowest 9-hole score for a blindfolded golfer using only a 5-iron, an 8-iron and a putter (46).
You know those two records were the result of loudmouth bets made by men who smelled strongly of whisky.
Fastest round in a dense fog without losing a ball (two hours, 15 minutes).
Fewest shots made to reach a target three miles away (32).
Most hazards that moo on a golf course. (80 cattle that roam a nine-hole course in Nebraska).
Most singing coyotes on a golf course (6 on a course in Arizona, serenading the players or howling in derision at some of the shots they see).
Longest measured putt to save a quadruple bogey (127 feet).
Longest putt holed after being shot with a pellet gun (30 feet, at a course in Indiana. A doctor clad in red slacks bent over to read his putt and got nailed in the rear by a kid with a pellet gun who just couldn't resist)
Most miles a golf writer traveled in the wrong direction to cover the Masters (1,070, thanks to a flight that took him to Augusta, Me., instead of Augusta, Ga. It wasn't me, but it could have been.)
Highest-priced cow ever won by a pro ($5,000, the worth of a secondary prize won by Ian Baker-Finch in a tournament in Japan. He sold it back to the sponsor.)
Most fattening endorsement contract signed by a pro (500 Whoppers, paid to Howard Twitty for representing Burger King on tour.)
Shortest time between dreaming of scoring an ace while playing with a dead president and actually making one (two months. Vicki Tanigaki had the dream and two months later scored an ace while playing in a club tournament known as - ta-da - the President's Cup.