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Golfers always get last laugh ... it dulls the pain

Golf is a funny game but it wasn't meant to be. -- Author Charles Price.

It's hard to imagine that any other sport could produce as many funny comments as golf. It's our way of alleviating the pain, a kind of self defense, cracking wise to keep from cracking up.

A few examples:

Former president Gerald Ford, who, according to Bob Hope, turned golf into a contact sport after he had conked a few bystanders with his wayward shots, said, "I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators."

Chi Chi Rodriguez, always good for a smile, had a pronounced accent from his native Puerto Rico. "I asked my caddy for a sand wedge," he said, "and ten minutes later he came back with a ham on rye."

Fiery tempered Tommy Bolt, after blowing another putt, looked skyward and snarled, "So, it's me again, huh, Lord? Why don't you just come down here and we'll play. And bring that kid of yours. I'll play your best ball."

Sam Snead: "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death."

Craig Stadler, asked about his new putter, said, "Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well."

Billy Casper: "Like a lot of fellows on the Senior Tour, I have a furniture problem. My chest has fallen into my drawers."

John Updike said, "Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."

Phyllis Diller noted, "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."

Dean Martin, who was well versed on the subject, advised, "If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."

A man named Henry Beard wrote, "Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study 'Shanks-No Thanks' by R.K. Hoffman, or in extreme cases, M.S. Howard's 'Tennis For Beginners.'"

Columnist Jim Murray: "Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took seven to do that."

Murray again: "Golf is the cruelest of sports. Like life, it's unfair. It's a harlot. A trollop. It leads you on. It never lives up to its promises. ... It's a boulevard of broken dreams. It plays with men. And runs off with the butcher."

Dave Barry, the famed humorist, says, "Few pleasures on earth match the feeling that comes from making a loud bodily-function noise just as a guy is about to putt."

And by an author unknown, "I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted."

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